Hansel and Gretel and the Creepy Woods

a FREE script for 19 to 30 actors by Jeannette Jaquish
(c)2017 Jeannette Jaquish


Offered for free performance use by J. Jaquish, if she is notified: www.theaterfunscripts.com
If you request she will email the script as a Word doc file, a PDF file, plus an optional Forest Creatures song. Tell us how many actors you want: 11 to 30 actors.

CAST
READER (can be multiple Readers)

HANSEL (brat)
GRETEL (brat)
STEPMOM (stressed out)
FATHER (easy going, not too bright)

Optional CREEPY CREATURES
(sing and creep like scary animals w/ claws):


WITCH
ELF 1 Ė Bossy
ELF 2 - Smelly
ELF 3- Twitchy
ELF 4 - Clumsy
ELF 5 - Narcolepty (or Sleepy)
ELF 6 - Whiny [Whiiiiiiny]
ELF 7- Groovy
ELF 8- Doofy
ELF 9 - Jumpy
ELF 10- SNEEZY
ELF 11 - SNEEZY
--(Elves = Dwarves in script.)

FAIRY DOG MOTHER
FAIRY FROG MOTHER
--------------------------------

PROPS:
Big pot
---spritz silver spray paint on a black storage tub
Big spoon, Spice containers
Potato, carrot, & celery stalk (refrigerate)
2 hankies for Sneezy
Dogís & Frogís wands are optional
---------------------------------------------------------

ONE ACT PLAY


READER: Welcome to our show!
The _____your group__________ is happy to perform
the story of
Hansel and Gretel and the Creeeepy Woods,
as adapted by Jeannette Jay-quish.
So sit back, and enjoy the show!

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel.

HANSEL (running on): Iím Hansel.
GRETEL (running on): Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

READER: Yes, just as I said. They lived in a cottage in the woods with --

(FATHER ENTERS, then STEPMOTHER.)

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and --

READER: Enough! They lived in a cottage in the woods with their father who loved them very much, and their stepmother who had her sanity to consider.

STEPMOM : Husband! Your children are driving me crazy. Iím Hansel! Iím Gretel! Take them into the woods and leave them!

FATHER : But, Darling, theyíll get hungry.

STEPMOM : Donít worry. A nice witch will feed them gingerbread.

FATHER : Oh! They like gingerbread. OK! Come on kids!

READER: So the stereotypically clueless father took Hansel and Gretel far far away and left them. However, he made one mistake. Instead of leaving them in the WOODS...

GRETEL: Why did Daddy leave us in the WEEDS?
HANSEL: Ow! Itís all stickery.

READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around in the prickly stickly weeds waiting for their father.
GRETEL: Ow!
HANSEL: Ow!
GRETEL: Ow!
HANSEL: Ow!

READER: Finally, Gretel realized he was not coming back.

GRETEL: Daddy is not coming back! How will we find our way home?

HANSEL: Look, itís right over there. You can see it!

READER: So they walked home and jumped on the couch and got stickers all over it.

(JUMPING)
HANSEL: Iím Hansel! Hansel! Hansel!
GRETEL: Iím Gretel! Gretel! Gretel!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre jump jump jumping on the couch couch couch!

READER: Their stepmother heard the noise and came out to see.

STEPMOM: Ohhhh, theyíre back.

READER: Their stepmother had a splitting headache when she called her husband.

STEPMOM : HUSBAND!

FATHER: Yes, dear?

READER: She told him where to take those noisy children.

STEPMOM : Take those noisy children over the hill and deep into the forest and leave them!

FATHER : But theyíll get hungry.

STEPMOM : Donít worry. Seven little dwarves will feed them.

FATHER : Oh. Theyíd like that. OK! Come on, kids!
(STEPMOTHER EXITS.
FATHER leads H&G through the audience.
CURTAIN CLOSES - change set.)


READER: So their father took them ooooooooover the hill ... and through twisted, scary trees.. past the dens of hideous, smelly, unsupervised creatures, who watched them as they passed (children look at audience fearfully)..... to a clearing. Their father patted them on the head, and gave them some words of wisdom.

FATHER: Say hello to Sneezy for me. Bye kids! (EXITS)

READER: Their father headed home wishing HE was going to have gingerbread for breakfast.

FATHER: Mmmm... gingerbread. (EXITS)

READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around as the forest got darker and darker.

HANSEL (scared): Iím Hansel.

GRETEL (scared): Iím Gretel.

(ELVES or CREATURES at rear of audience do sound FX:)

READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around as the forest got darker and darker.
The crickets chirped. (Elves chirp.)
The owls hooted. (Elves hoot.)
The moon came out. (Elves sing ďAaaah!Ē.)
The wolves howled. (Elves howl.)
The brother and sister lay down on the damp ground.

(You may skip the song, and go to the next page.)
Optional Song & Page:
HUDDLE CLOSER
DANCE OF THE SCARY CREATURES
(MUSIC UP: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, by Tchaikovsky, performed by Kevin MacLeod -- 1min 47 sec.)

READER: Hansel and Gretel began to realize the danger they were in.

HANSEL (shivering): Iím Hansel. . . .
GRETEL (shivering): Iím Gretel. . . .

(CREATURES Enter, creeping closer to Hansel & Gretel who look genuinely afraid.)

(start singing as glockenspiel begins)
READER:
Huddle closer, Children,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
Very far from home.

(Oboe descends)
WITCH (entering):
It is getting darker,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
You are all alone;

(Oboe descends)
READER:
Silly children, wake up,
You donít know,
you donít know,
you donít know,
What is in the woods.
Build a fire, Climb higher,
Find a way to, SURVIVE!

(0:40 to 0:47 strong violins, then violas - CREATURES reach stage, flit across.)
HANSEL - Do you hear the branches breaking?

(0:47 to 0:51 violin surge)
GRETEL - Something flew across the moonlight.

(0:51 to 0:54 violas - no singing)

(Bolder bigger Creature movements.)
(0:54 to 1:00 violin surge)
HANSEL - I hear breathing, I smell danger, I canít stay awaaaake.

(1:00 - dreamy glockenspiel
- HANSEL & GRETEL slump to the ground asleep.
CREATURES slowly circle, facing in, then out, claws up. Witch lurks near.)


WITCH & READER:
Huddle closer, Children,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
Very far from home.
(Oboe descends)
There are dark things, lurking,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
in the Woods,
Eat you to the bone;
(Oboe descends)

READER & CREATURES-protective pose:
Silly children, sleeping,
We will stay,
We will watch,
We will fight,
What is in the woods.
(WITCH sneaks toward Hansel & Gretel)
With our sharp teeth (snap teeth),
With our long claws (slash claws),
We will help you, SURVIVE!
Rahhrr! (CREATURES Chase Witch -EXIT!)
READER: Yawwn! Oh, my.! Itís morning! I must have fallen asleep!
Looks like it was an uneventful night. Gretel shook Hansel awake.

GRETEL: Hansel, itís morning.

HANSEL: Iím hungry. Whatís for breakfast?

WITCH (entering) : You are! Heee Heee Hee Hee! Oh, I mean you delicious, I mean darling, children are HAVING breakfast with me!

READER: Hansel and Gretel introduced themselves.

HANSEL: Hi! Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Hi! Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

WITCH : And Iím a nice old lady. My house is over here... through those trees....

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and --
WITCH : Enough! Walk this way...

(WITCH walks bent over in a funny manner; HANSEL & GRETEL imitate her in a funny way walking to her ďhouseĒ back at center stage.

If you like, CREATURES can live in Witchís house as pets and stay in the background watching, scratching, sleeping and reacting.)


READER: The nice old lady was really a wicked witch who liked to eat children. She took them into her house. Gretel looked around.

GRETEL: I thought you would have a gingerbread house.

WITCH : Oh, the property taxes on that thing were killing me!

READER: Hansel was getting hungrier so he asked again:

HANSEL: Whatís for breakfast?

WITCH : Something delicious, but first you must wash up.

READER: The witch invited them to hop into a big pot of hot water. She said:

WITCH : Scrub a dub a dub, into the tub!

GRETEL [reaches in and holds up a carrot]: Why are there carrots?....

WITCH [innocently]: Carrots???

HANSEL [pulls out a potato and celery stalk]: and potatoes and celery floating in the bathtub?

WITCH [innocently]: Potatoes and celery??? Oh, hee hee hee hee. Those are bath toys!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Hooray! Bath toys!
[They hop in the pot and splash around, still standing.]

READER: So Hansel and Gretel, who never were the brightest candles on the cake, hopped into the pot.

(HANSEL & GRETEL climb into tub but stay standing.)

HANSEL (rubbing POTATO under arm like soap): La la la la. . .

GRETEL (using CARROT like a Q-tip in her ear): Ahhhhhh....

WITCH: Sit down my little fishies, or you'll never cook -- I mean get clean. Squeaky-deeky clean!

HANSEL & GRETEL (plopping down) OK! Kersplash!

[HANSEL lifts up a rubber ducky he finds in the pot, and sings:]

[Song: ďRubber DuckyĒ from Sesame Street]
HANSEL (singing): Rubber ducky, you're the one.

GRETEL [flaps her arms]: Quack! Quack!

HANSEL: You make bath time lots of fun!

GRETEL: Quack Quack!

HANSEL: Rubber ducky, Iím awfully fond of--

GRETEL: RUBBER DUCKY IíM AWFULLY FOND OF --

HANSEL & GRETEL: Rubber ducky, Iím awfully fond of you! [finish song with a pose]

WITCH [grabs rubber duck and tosses it away]:
NO RUBBER DUCKS IN THE STEW! -- I MEAN BATH WATER!

HANSEL & GRETEL [jump up and ďsplashĒ down]: Whee! Splash!

[WITCH gasps as if she has been splashed.]

WITCH: Oh, no! Iím melting! Iím meltinggggggg.... NOT! Ha ha!

READER: Unfortunately, this witch was not allergic to water.

WITCH: Thatís my 2nd cousin in the land of Oz.

READER: The Witch began to add some salt and spices while Hansel & Gretel splashed away in blissful ignorance of their impending doom.

WITCH: Impending doom. I like the sound of that...

READER: The Witch began to add salt and spices.

WITCH (hums): A pinch of this.. a sprinkle of that...

GRETEL: What are you sprinkling on us?

WITCH : Oh... um..bubble powder! Hee hee hee...

GRETEL: More bubbles! Hooray! (Splash splash)

READER: There was a knock at the door.

WITCH : Whoís there?

(Elves march in singing a marching chant.)

ELF 1: I donít know but Iíve been told!

ELVES: Leprechauns got pots of gold.

ELF 1: But do not grab one by the leg.

ELVES: Their feet smell like rotten egg!

ELF 1: One, two and three, four!

ELVES: Guess whoís knocking at the door!

ELF 1: Five, six and seven, eight!

ELVES: Dwarves donít like their supper late!

ELF 1: Nine, Ten, Eleven STOP! (all stop)

ELVES: We are just about to drop.

ELF 1: Sound off (Elves march around Elf 1 once then march straight again.)

ELVES: One two!
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Three Four
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Five Six
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Seven!
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Eight Nine Ten Eleven!

(Elf 1 stops, 2 & 3 stops, 4 crashes into them, rebounds back and all fall. Elf 1 jumps up.)

ELF 1: Attention! (Elves jump to attention.)
Pleased to meet you! Iím Bossy!

(Each Elf steps forward from line)

ELF 2: Iím Smelly. (lifts arms and elves wave stink away)
ELF 3: Iím Twitchy.
ELF 4: Iím Clumsy. (trips on own feet)
ELF 5: Iím Narcolep..(falls asleep)....ty.
ELF 6: Iím Whiiiiiny.
ELF 7: Iím Groovy.
ELF 8: Iím Doofy
ELF 9: Iím Jumpy.
ELF 8: Boo!
ELF 9: Eeeek!
ELF 8: And those two are ...
ELF 10: & 11: AAAACHOO!
(Sneezes on other dwarves who fall.)

ELVES: The SNEEZY TWINS!!!

( Elves jump up.)

ELF 1: We just stopped by to wish a good day!
ELF 2: We live in a cottage down the way.

ELF 3: We were just passing by when we came under the spell,
ELF 4: Of a most wonderful lip-smacking smell.

ELF 5: An enchanting culinary bouquet! (snore)

ELF 6: We don't wish to pry.
ELF 7: We don't wish to spy.
ELF 8: But if you don't feed us we're likely to cry.

ELF 9: That wonderful smell has made our head spin. So if you donít mind,
ALL ELVES: May we come in?

ELF 10 & 11: And borrow a Kleenex??? Achoo!

WITCH : You are in!

READER: Hansel jumped up and hollered.

HANSEL: Hey! Sneezy Twins!

SNEEZYs: Aaaachoo! (Wipes nose with hanky and waves it.)

HANSEL: My dad says hi!

READER: The ELEVEN dwarves were real moochers!
(ELVES search front row of audience.)
They started scrounging around for something to eat. They hadnít had a hot meal since Snow White married the Handsome Prince and moved away. But all they found were hideous gargoyles!

ALL ELVES (facing an audience person): EEEEEK! (ELVES run back to stage, line up.)

READER: That caused some confusion. And instead of finding food they found:

(pantomiming finding these things: )
ELF 1: Spider legs in the cupboard!
ELF 2: Frog tongues in the refrigerator!
ELF 3: Monkey ears in the toaster!
ELF 4: Rabbit teeth in the candy dish!
ELF 5: Hissing cockroaches in the cookie jar!
ELF 6: Wiggly Worms in the spoon drawer.
ELF 7: What is in that bag?
(10 & 11 hold bag)
ELF 8: (peeking in) Oh, horrors!
ELVES: What is it?

ELF 8: (peeking in) It's too terrible to tell you!
ELVES: Tell us!

ELF 9 (peeking in) : You'll be sorry! Tell them!

ELVES 10 & 11: Sugarless candy corn!

ALL ELVES: Sugarless candy corn??? Blecch!
Disgusting!!!

ELF 1: Why do people buy that stuff?

READER: But the dwarves knew they smelled something good. They followed their noses until they found...

(ELVES go to both sides of pot.)

ELF 1: A big pot of soup!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Soup? Where? Iím hungry!

ALL ELVES: Children Soup!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Eeeeeek!

READER: The dwarves tried to rescue the children. Unfortunately they werenít very organized.

(Dwarves pretend to pull on both arms of children, left, right, left, right.)

READER: But they only made it worse. The dwarves yelled for the children to get out!

ELF 2: Get out of that soup pot!
ELF 3: That witch wants to cook and eat you!

READER: But the children had been in the hot water too long.

GRETEL (wiping brow): Iím melting.....
HANSEL: Me tooooo....

(HANSEL & GRETEL faint over edge of pot)

READER: Hansel and Gretel fainted in the hot water! And it was getting hotter! The dwarves tried to lift them out.

ELF 1: 1, 2, 3, Lift!

READER: But the witched flapped her arms and yelled:

WITCH : Stop that right now!

READER: The leader of the Dwarves was very brave!

ELF 1 (in her face): Let them go you mean olí witch!

WITCH : YOU let them go or Iíll turn you all into dwarf hamsters.

HANSEL: Dwarf hamsters are so cute.......

WITCH : Bite-size dwarf hamsters. Yum.

ALL ELVES (jumping back): Eeeek!

READER: The Dwarves let go! They were afraid to be turned into hamsters. Their leader had an idea. She told Gretel:

ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your Fairy Godmother!

ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!

ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your fairy Godmother!

ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!

GRETEL (groggy): Calling Fairy Dog Mother...

READER: In a blinding flash of light there appeared:

DOG (leaping onto stage): Woof!

ELF 1: What are you?

DOG: Gretelís Fairy Dog Mother! Woof!

ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD MOTHER!

GRETEL: Calling Fairy Frog Mother....

READER: And with another blinding flash of light:

FROG (leaping onto stage): Kribbit!

ELF 1: What are you?

FROG: Gretelís Fairy Frog Mother! Kribbit!

ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD MOTHER!

GRETEL: Snore!

READER: Gretelís snoring shook the house!
(ELVES stumble around.)

ELF 4: Sheís asleep!

ELF 5: She canít call anyone!

ELF 4: How about Hansel? Could HE call HIS Fairy God Mother?

ELF 5: He would probably call his Fairy Hamster Mother!

ALL ELVES (nodding): Yeah....

READER (walking across stage gesturing): This looks bad! Hansel and Gretel are almost gravy and instead of a fairy godmother, we have a Fairy Dog Mother...

DOG: Woof!

READER: ... and a Fairy Frog Mother!

FROG: Kribbit!

READER: It looks like there will be no happy ending to this story. The dwarves burst into tears.

ALL ELVES: Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

ELF 6: This is terrible, terrible, terrible!

(FAIRY DOG & FROG walk downstage together.)

READER: The Fairy Dog and Fairy Frog Mothers looked at each other.

FROG : Well this is a pretty mess!

DOG: You said it, Wonder Warts. I guess itís up to us.

FROG: Right you are, Magical Mutt. Do you know what to do?

DOG: Sure do. Letís roll!
(DOG & FROG roll over on the floor.
Do this right and youíll get a huge laugh.)


READER: The Fairy Dog Mother cast a spell on the Wicked Witch giving her fleas and allergies.

DOG (waving paws): Fleezus-Sneezus! (shakes)

WITCH : Ha ha! Dog magic? (sarcastic) Oh, Iím sooo afraid! Ha ha ha!. SoÖ soÖ soÖ Itchy! Itchy! Itchy! Aaachoo! Aaachoo!

(SNEEZY hands a hanky to the Witch who blows a raspberry into it and tries to hand it back.)

SNEEZY: Yuck! ( SNEEZY jumps back in disgust and the Witch drops it on the floor.)

READER: The Fairy Frog Mother hopped over to the pot and said these magic words:

FROG: Hoppus Ploppus Stoppus!

READER: She hopped into the pot splashing Hansel and Gretel out in a huge tidal wave!

(FROG jumps in Ė HANSEL & GRETEL jump out. DWARVES fall down in the imaginary tidal wave.)

READER: The dwarves cheered!

ALL ELVES: Yay! 1, 2, 3 --
Go Fairy Frog! Kribbit Kribbit Kribbit!
Go Fairy Dog! Woof Woof Woof!

READER: The Wicked Witch ran off to jump in the river to drown her fleas....

WITCH: Oh, Iím so itchy itchy itchy... (EXIT)

(DOG and FROG chase her, EXITING.)
DOG: Fleezus-Sneezus! Woof! Woof!
FROG: Wartus Schmortus! Kribbit! Kribbit!

READER: and Hansel and Gretel recovered from their soup induced heat stroke. They introduced themselves to the dwarves.

HANSEL: Hi! Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Hi! Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

ELF 1 : Hi! Weíre the eleven dwarves.
ELF 2: You might have heard of us in the story of Snow White.
ELF 3: Once upon a time a long time ago...

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

ELF 1, 2 & 3 : Enough!

READER: The Dwarves showed Hansel and Gretel the way home.
(Travel into audience or around stage.)

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel! (on and on and on)

(ELVES have hands over ears and moaning.)

READER: The Dwarves couldnít get rid of Hansel and Gretel fast enough.

(Go to Home area. Each Elf pauses to speak.)

ELF 1: OK! Here is your house! Good bye!
ELF 2: What an ordeal!
ELF 3: I thought they would never stop yakking!
ELF 4: They never did!
ELF 5: My ears are killing me!
ELF 6: My ears are bigger than yours so mine are killing me more!
ELF 7: My ears are so big they have their own weather!

ELF 8: Oh let's go home.
ELF 9: We never did get anything to eat. What else could go wrong?

SNEEZY 10&11: Aaachoo! (search pockets for hanky but canít find it so blows raspberry on back of Elf 9ís shirt.)

ELF 9: Hey! Whatís going on back there!
(ELVES EXIT or sit at front of audience.)

READER: Hansel was sad to see them go:

HANSEL: Bye, Sneezy Twins! You are my favorite!

READER: When their father came out the door, he was very happy to see them
(ALL hug.) and very sorry he had left them in the forest. He called to his wife:

FATHER: Honey, the kids are home!
STEPMOM (ENTERING) : Oh, no!

HANSEL: Remember us? Iím Hansel!
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!
HANSEL: Iím Hansel!
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel--

FATHER : Enough! Stop saying the same thing over and over. You are driving us crazy!
(to audience) I didnít realize it until they came back!

GRETEL: Ok, Daddy! Would you like to talk about biology, instead?

HANSEL: Or architecture?

STEPMOM : Oh, I love biology and architecture! Letís go down to the pond and catch frogs and build sandcastles!

(STEPMOM, HANSEL & GRETEL, go to side, pantomime.)

GRETEL: Iím making a princess castle.
STEPMOM: The archway is very graceful.

HANSEL: Iím digging the moat first.
STEPMOM: It is very deep. You are doing a good job.

READER: And then a magical thing happened. When the yammering stopped, their stepmother magically turned into a loving caring person. It was magic.

FATHER: No.... I donít think that was magic.

READER (lifts arm): It was parenting!!! And they all lived...

(ACTORS run onstage. Reader cues them when they are ready by dropping arm:)
ALL: ..Happily ever after!

HANSEL: Iím Hansel!
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

ALL: Enough!!!! The End!

MUSIC:
BOWS!

--------------------------------------------------------
Authorís Notes: Hansel and Gretel say ďIím Hansel. Iím Gretel.... on and on until someone says ďEnough!Ē

If actors forget lines, Reader can prompt them by saying, for example: ďHansel said, ďRemember us?..Ē Reader prompts them as if it was written in the story Ė just the beginning of the line is usually enough -- and as soon as the actor catches on and says their line, the Reader is quiet.

Traveling thru the woods, can be thru the audience. Look at the audience as if they are creatures and gargoyles.

A good Cooking Pot is a big black plastic storage tub that you spritz some gray or silver spray paint onto. Put carrot, celery, potato and rubber ducky inside.

Use a REAL potato, celery and carrot. The potato will serve day after day, but carrots and celery must be refrigerated or they weill wilt.
Hansel and Gretel MUST USE the CARROT, CELERY & POTATO as Q-tip, toothbrush and soap! It will get big laughs.

You must credit the music like this:
Creatures Song to the music of:
ďDance of the Sugar Plum FairiesĒ
by Tchiakovsky
performed by Kevin MacLeod
© Creative Commons
www.incompetech.com