Excerpts from The Wizard of Oz

by Frank L. Baum, adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

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THE WIZARD of OZ
by Frank L. Baum
Adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish

(c) 2007, 2008, 2010, 2011 Jeannette Jaquish

EXCERPTS:
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AUNTIE EM Dorothy! I’m busy. Can’t you look for Toto yourself?

DOROTHY Can’t you help me? He always comes to you because you feed him and give him scraps.

AUNTIE EM Which is supposed to be your job, Dorothy. How did he get out?

DOROTHY Gate got left open.

AUNTIE EM Who left the gate open?

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AUNTIE EM What are you dumping on my floor??

PROFESSOR Not to be alarmed, my dear. My name is Professor Woodruff, with 3 Ph.D’s in windbagging technology. And this, my fine lady, is The Marvelous Cyclotron-amatic 1000 electric vacuum sweeper featuring a 20-revolutions per second, SIX! – count ‘em! – SIX-bladed propeller!
This marvel of science will create a powerful spinning updraft of air that will swiftly lift that debris from your rug, leaving it cleaner than it has been since you bought it many, many years ago.

AUNTIE EM This rug is nearly new! My husband just gave it to me last month for my birthday!

PROFESSOR ..... And.....since I’m sure you haven’t HAD many birthdays, that was certainly a memorable occasion, and after my demonstration of the Cyclotron-amatic 1000 electric vacuum sweeper you’ll be overjoyed to see your birthday present, in its original condition, once again, clean and bright. (looking around holding cord) Now if you’ll just let me plug in the Cyclotron-amatic 1000, I’ll show you how simple is its operation.

AUNTIE EM It had better be simple, because we don’t get electricity way out here.
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MISS GULLY What??? I was not talking about the dirt! There is plenty of that around this place! And thank you, No, concerning the demonstration. I find a broom much more useful. It makes a good weapon of self defense! Against vicious dogs!

DOROTHY Auntie Em! She was beating Toto with that broom! He was crying!

MISS GULLY I had to! This girl’s dog is a menace! It’s terrorizing the neighborhood.

DOROTHY Ow! She’s twisting my ear, Auntie Em.
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MISS GULLY He pulled down a cherry pie I had cooling on the window sill.

DOROTHY Toto can’t jump that high. He’s too old and fat!
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(PROFESSOR lifts up the clothesline, displaying the under-garments. MISS GULLY is humiliated.)

PROFESSOR I am shocked! These are terribly old fashioned for a woman of your youth and style. (drops the clothing and pulls out a catalog) I have a catalog of the newest designs straight from New York that I think you will find very complimentary for the mature figure.
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PROFESSOR Ow! I’m leaving! Stop! Stop! (EXITS)

AUNTIE EM Oh, my goodness! (following him to gather and toss after him, anything he leaves, closes door) Really, Elmira! It was just a clothing catalog. You beat that poor man.

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DOROTHY No! Auntie Em! Don’t let her!

MISS GULLY (with sadistic pleasure) To be destroyed!

DOROTHY (on her knees) No! No! I’m sorry, Miss Gully! It was my fault Toto got out! Punish me instead! Please! Please!
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AUNTIE EM (ENTERING) Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy, I’m sorry. You’ll have to say goodbye to Toto.
Miss Gully is filing a
Dangerous animal at large lawsuit,
a Threat to decency lawsuit,
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DOROTHY Toto! (hugs him) Toto, I can’t bear it. I love you so much. What can I do? What can I do???
(stares off thinking)
We’ll run away! Miss Gully will be happy because you’ll be gone and she’ll drop the lawsuit. We have to leave immediately. I’ll sneak in and grab my clothes and my blanket and, and, and some food – they wouldn’t want me to go hungry. And envelopes and stamps. I’ll write them every day.
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DOROTHY Oh, you startled me! You were the man selling the vacuum sweeper!

PROFESSOR Trying to, anyway. I’m just, uh, collecting my thoughts right now.... That was quite the altercation between you and Mrs.....

DOROTHY Miss Gully. Did she hurt you?

PROFESSOR Oh, no. I’m used to it. Are you running away?

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DOROTHY No, it’s a good home. I’m running away to save Toto. Miss Gully wants him destroyed.

PROFESSOR Destroyed? This cute little fella?

DOROTHY Yes, it’s terrible. The dog pound truck was coming. I had to get out fast.

PROFESSOR You chose your dog over your family?
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PROFESSOR Hey, let's try out these binoculars I’m selling. Maybe take a look at what's going on at the old homestead. (Pulls binoculars from his coat pocket.)

DOROTHY Can I look? (looks) They’re all blurry.

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DOROTHY My house is that way.

PROFESSOR Light refraction. It’s the weather. What’s this? She’s crying?
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PROFESSOR That must be it. And a truck is pulling up.

DOROTHY From the dog pound!

PROFESSOR Three big burly men are jumping out! Auntie Em is talking to them. Now they are looking around the yard. Oh no, they’re getting angry.

DOROTHY Oh, dear.

PROFESSOR They’re grabbing her! Dragging her into the truck!

DOROTHY (terrified) What?? They’re taking Auntie Em instead of
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DOROTHY Oh no! Will they put her to sleep?
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AUNTIE EM Henry! Have you seen Dorothy?

UNCLE HENRY I thought she was with you!

AUNTIE EM No, I told her to take Toto outside! I don't know where she went! Look at the sky! There's a storm brewing!
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DOROTHY Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! Where are you? Oh, Toto! I've searched the whole house! I think the truck took them both away! And it’s all my fault.
(She is turning around in indecision,
wrapping Toto’s leash around
her legs in the process. )

This storm is really bad! I should close the shutters!
No, first let the horses out so the barn doesn’t fall on them.
Or should we go to the storm cellar?
Toto! This is bad! I think it’s a twister! The house could get blown away!!!

(DOROTHY takes a step and trips over the leash around her legs and hits her head unconscious.)
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UNCLE HENRY Bessie! Ned! Thunder! Old Snort! Colonel Mustard! Princess Picadilly Pink! Mr. Footie Pajamas! Dang! Times like this I wish I hadn’t let Dorothy name the livestock. Feel like a fool out here.

AUNTIE EM (ENTERING) Henry! Dorothy’s not in the cellar!
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TORNADO MUSIC STOPS)

(CURTAIN OPENS. )
----SCENE 2: MUNCHKIN LAND---
(The crashed gray and white house sits among gayly colored buildings and flowers. Dorothy opens the door, disheveled and unsteady, and steps or crawls out, carrying or pulling Toto. Her jaw drops in amazement.)

DOROTHY Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

(TOTO goes to SCENERY (where there is always a treat).)

THOSE MUNCHKINS Eeeeek! (Scurrying sounds.)

DOROTHY Toto! Be careful! (DOROTHY pulls him back, crashing into building scenery.)

THOSE MUNCHKINS Aaaack! (Scurrying sounds.)

DOROTHY Oh! Toto! Toto! Come here! Something is hiding in the bushes! Where can we be?

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GLINDA (like a cop) Freeze! Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

DOROTHY (raising hands) What??? A witch? I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch good or bad! (turning slowly) I’m just a girl! My name is Dorothy Gale. I’m from Kansas.

GLINDA Keep the hands up! Where is your wand?

DOROTHY I don’t have one! I’m just a girl, not a witch!

GLINDA (walking around her examining her, broom still pointing like a rifle) Likely story. Hmmm, it is a very good disguise, if you ARE a bad witch.
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GLINDA Pleased to meet you, Mr. Toto Dog.
(Shakes his paw. To Toto, very sincerely:)
Have you perhaps seen or smelled a witch?
(Toto, of course, does not answer.)
Oh, dear, have I offended you Mr. Toto? I apologize for my rudeness a moment ago.
(to Dorothy) Or does he speak another language?

DOROTHY Well,... actually he does. Uh... the language of ... Woof. And all he understands of our language is “Treat” and “Out” and “Bad Dog” and “Bath” and .... “Puddle”.

GLINDA I’m sorry. “Woof” is not one of the languages of Oz.

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DOROTHY The Wicked Witch of the East?!

GLINDA And there is the house, (points)
and here is the witch --or what is left of her (points) -- and here are you!
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MUNCHKIN # 3 With all due respect, Good Witch Glinda. We’d like to know for sure!

MUNCHKIN #4 We want the Coroner’s report!

MUNCHKINS Coroner’s report! Coroner’s report!

MUSIC: “CORONER’S REPORT”

MUNCHKIN # ____ (CORONER)
(With magnifying glass and document.
Marches up during music.)

As Coroner of Munchkinland,
I am happy to before you stand,
And announce that my examination
Justifies your jubilation,
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DOROTHY Why was SHE more powerful than you?

MUNCHKIN #5 I'll tell you why! Because the Wicked Witch used evil tricks to get more power!

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DOROTHY The history? (politely) Why of course.

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MUNCHKIN #5 Glinda? What date should we begin our History Pageant?

M#6 When Munchkin Land burped out of Donut Mountain?

GLINDA No, no - That was a million years ago.

M#6 When the Mayor split his pants dancing the Funky Flamingo at his birthday party?

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MUNCHKIN 7 (reading)
But in a small dirty hut, trouble was brewing,
(Two get witch hats, and look evil
Others: scolding fingers toward audience)

Because parents did not watch
what their children were doing!

(Little Witches 1 & 2 pretend to stir a pot)
MUNCHKIN 6 Two bad little sisters, experimented with potions
Tweaked some old spells
(Little Witch 1 – "Hocus Pocus....Stinkus Pinkus")
And invented new motions,
(Little Witch 2 – makes weird wand motions) ------
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The flying monkeys seized our sweet Munchkin Queen
(PigMonster & MonkeyMonster
pull screaming Queen around)

They flew off with her family, who’ve never been seen.
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GLINDA It is a sad history and a painful lesson.
But those days are over. The Wicked Witch is dead!

MUNCHKINS Hurrah! Three cheers for Dorothy!

M1 And Toto!

M2 And her Un-Identified Falling House!

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The middle of "The Witch is Dead" song: ------

CHORUS The Wicked Witch has bit the dust,
No regret and no disgust,
We will ride on top the hearse,
Because her breath can get no worse!

Hur-rah! We’ll tell the world,
This magic Dog and Girl,
Came down from outer space,
To save the Munchkin race!

(MUNCHKINS DANCE as: )

GLINDA sings:
For many centuries
The Munchkin memories
Were full of pain and fear
Because the Witch was near;

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WITCH (tossing sign aside) It IS true! Who is this “Dorothy” who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Are you Dorothy? Answer me!

GLINDA Leave her alone!

WITCH (shoving her aside) Out of my way, Twinkle Face! So it was you, was it? You killed her with... with...? a HOUSE?
(She is suddenly stunned. She goes to look at the house.)
A house. A house!!! You killed my brilliant, powerful older sister with a creaky, termite-ridden old wooden house!????

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WITCH (bursts into laughter) Ha ha! Got you back, Tristilda!
Ha ha ha ha…
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WITCH Oh, give me a break! This little twerp doesn’t have any magic. She just happened onto my sister’s ..... little weakness. But you’ll pay little girl. No one kills my sister and gets away with it. (strides across, sweeping arm gesture) Now Munchkinland is mine, and your destruction will mark our first festival and bake-off.
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WITCH What??? The shoes are gone! Where are they? They couldn’t have just walked away! Shriek - Growl!!!
(Searches around, flushing the Munchkins out of hiding. They shriek and run terrified to hide somewhere else.
Witch can also search the feet in the audience.
The Witch now advances on Dorothy and Glinda.)

Glinda! This has your prissy name written all over it! Give those ruby slippers back to me, or I'll ---

GLINDA (pulling Dorothy to center, showing her feet)
It's too late! Dorothy has them and their power!

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WITCH (suddenly nicer) Oh, those shoes don't go with your outfit at all. And they are way too big. Looks like you stuck your feet in mailboxes. What happened to those cute little shoes you were wearing just a moment ago? I wish I could fit into those.
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GLINDA (laughs in her face ) Oh, horsefeathers! (shoves her away) Your pathetic magic is no good in Munchkinland. Your dead sister’s spells are still strong. All you have is bluster and bad breath!

WITCH Don’t try to butter me up, Glinda. When I get her ruby slippers, I’ll have my powers AND hers, and you and Munchkinland will suffer like never before!

HIDDEN MUNCHKINS Eeek! Eeeek!

GLINDA Take your threats and be off! Before the sky opens up and sends a rain of houses upon your head!
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GLINDA Nowhere in Oz is safe for you. She will find a way to get you.

M1 & 2 She will NEVER give up!

DOROTHY Then I must get back home! To Kansas! But how? I can't go back the way I came.

M3 That’s for sure! (Goes over and kicks house.) This ain’t never gonna fly again.

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DOROTHY No. We use our brooms to sweep dirt.

MUNCHKINS Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

GLINDA (trying to be polite) How creative. Well, it’s just as well, the Witch would knock you out of the air.

MUNCHKINS Kersplatt!

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M7 Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!
M1 It leads to the Emerald City.
M2 Where the Wizard of Oz rules!

GLINDA Do you want to stay longer in Munchkinland, Dorothy? Until you are ready?

DOROTHY No, it’s like my Auntie Em always says, “Up and at ‘em.” And my Uncle Henry always says, “Daylight’s burning.”

MUNCHKINS Huh???

DOROTHY It all means don’t dilly-dally when you’ve got a job to do, and I want to go home, so I’d better get started!
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Middle of the "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" song
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Solo: When Witches are circling over,
And Monsters are lurking below,
And you must get thru to the Wizard,
Here is the path you must go;

(Chorus)
ALL: Fol-low the Yellow Brick Road,
On a day so pretty! To the Emerald City,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Nothing’s gonna stop you now!


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M7 Did anyone tell Dorothy to go AROUND the Dark Forest?

MUNCHKINS Oopsie.

M7 And to watch the skies for Flying Monkey attacks?

MUNCHKINS Oh dear.
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DOROTHY Who is talking? Toto! I think someone is spying on us. Hiding in the corn behind that scarecrow!
(looks behind him, comes back to front)
No. No one there.

SCARECROW Or …

DOROTHY Eeek!

SCARECROW - just take the road less traveled!

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DOROTHY Well, I guess the truth is in the pudding, as my Auntie Em would say.

SCARECROW Is that what is in pudding? Having no stomach… well you get the idea.

DOROTHY Well, goodness. We’ve had quite a conversation and we haven’t introduced ourselves. My name is Dorothy.

SCARECROW How do you do? You can call me..uh..

DOROTHY Mr. Scarecrow?

SCARECROW Hah! No! That’s my dad. ------
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DOROTHY Oh, let me help you! Wow! That’s not a nail - It’s a spike! And it goes right into your HEAD!

SCARECROW Really! Well that explains a lot!

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SCARECROW Say that is a catchy little tune. Where did you learn it?

DOROTHY The Munchkins sang something like it.

SCARECROW Was it spontaneous?

DOROTHY I suppose it was. They also sang one about the Wicked Witch dying.

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DOROTHY Ouch!

TREE What do you think you're doing?

DOROTHY Just picking an apple! I was hungry; We've been walking so long ---

TREE You were hungry!? Well, how would you like to have someone come along and pick something off of you to eat? (Grabs her arm.) What if I said, “I’m hungry! I’d like a juicy ear to eat! Or a bite of nose? And this arm looks deeelicious!”
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DOROTHY Oh (sees a tin foot) Scarecrow, look! It's a man! A man made out of metal!

TIN MAN Oil can.....Oil can....

DOROTHY It’s alive!

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TIN MAN (with mouth rigid) My mouth -- my mouth!

SCARECROW He said his mouse! Look for a mechanical mouse! Maybe a wind-up!

DOROTHY (oiling his jaw) I think he said “mouth”.

SCARECROW (pointing to his own ears) No ear drums!

TIN MAN I can talk again! Oh! Oil my arms and my elbows.
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TIN MAN Well, usually I am very careful about keeping myself oiled, but one day about 7 years ago, while I was chopping that tree, I was so deep in thought that I didn’t notice when it started to rain until, with a screech, my arm rusted.
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I’ve had 7 nests of baby birds hatch inside my mouth.
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DOROTHY Why? What is wrong?

TIN MAN Thump on my chest and find out.


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TIN MAN Well, I’ll tell you:

# MUSIC:

IF I ONLY HAD A HEART
When a gentleman’s apparel,
Is just an empty barrel
And stove piping for pants

And where a heart should be beating,
There is naught but metal sheeting,
‘Tis a damper on romance
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TIN MAN To Emerald City? That’s so far. I’ve never gone beyond this little patch of wood. And it might rain.

SCARECROW If you rust, we’ll oil you.

TIN MAN And the Wizard? Isn’t he known as the Great and Terrible?

DOROTHY Terrible?? Glinda said he was good. And that he was my only hope to escape the Witch.

(WITCH ENTERS or emerges from hiding - laughs)
WITCH Terrible! That’s my department!
Oh, dear, did I startle you? Well, get used to it! I am around every corner and inside every shadow.
Who are your quivering rescuers?
Well, get lost or this good deed will be your last!
I'll stuff a mattress with you, Scarecrow!
And set your sleep number myself.
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DOROTHY (looking at audience) They certainly have unusual vegetation in Oz.

TIN MAN (gesturing to people) Oh, yes. This part of Oz is well known for its fruits and nuts.

DOROTHY Yes, I see you have many varieties. (looking at one person) Now this one: is it a fruit or a nut?
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DOROTHY I don't like this forest! It's -- it's dark and creepy!

SCARECROW And likely to get darker and creepier as we go in.

DOROTHY The Munchkins told me the little witch sisters changed the forest animals into terrible beasts.
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LION (To Tin Man) Get up you trembling tankard! You’re shaking like a baby rattle.
(DOROTHY peers from behind tree.)
(To Scarecrow) Stand up and fight, you sickly sack of straw! I’ll knock you into next week. ------
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DOROTHY You tried to you big bully! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

LION Didja have to hit me so hard? Is my nose bleeding?

DOROTHY No! My goodness, what a crybaby you are. What do you expect when you go around picking on those littler than you? Someone will fight back. Why, you're a just big coward!

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LION No! Sheep are scary.

SCARECROW Baaaa!

LION Eeeek! (tries to leap in Tin Man’s arms)

SCARECROW Wow! He IS scared of sheep. How pathetic.
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DOROTHY Why do you do it?

LION Because I’m afraid of EVERYTHING! Fortunately, the opposite is also true: Everyone is afraid of lions. If I roar and act scary they run away and no one finds out I’m a coward.

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Look at me a scaredy-cat
In my own habitat
Afraid of butterflies and mutts;

But I’d strut around and swagger,
Unafraid of sword or dagger,
If I only had the guts!
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DOROTHY Then let’s get you out of here! (Dorothy hops off stage into audience and sets Toto safely to the side. )

TIN MAN & SCARECROW (teasing) Ooooh. Jump Frogs and Caterpillars and Guinea Pigs, OH MY!

DOROTHY Oh, stop teasing him!

TIN MAN & SCARECROW Sorry. (join elbows, Lion in middle)

DOROTHY Come on now, (starts singing) Weeeeee're..

SCARECROW & TIN MAN (joining the song and jumping) We're Off -- ! (Tin Man & Scarecrow jump off stage and fall because Lion abruptly stopped onstage, throwing TM & SC off balance. They turn to stare at Lion in questioning amazement.)

LION I’m not comfortable with heights.
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(WITCH and MONKEY #1 step through curtain onto apron . She hides a poppy-seed bagel on her broomstick.)

WITCH A-hah! (laughs) Another doomed idiot!
Should I pick them off one by one? Or destroy them in one fell swoop?
Would you like to help, my funky little flea trap?
What do you think I have in mind next?
(laughs)
Poppies! (tips broom so bagel slides into her hand)
Take this poison bagel and scrape off the seeds and sprinkle them in the meadow outside the Emerald City!
(Gives the bagel to the Monkey.)

MONKEY #1 Eeeee eeee eee eee! (EXITS across audience)
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(Lion steps thru them and then sees the big world. )
LION Aaack! It’s so big. The sky will fall on us!

(LION tries to flee back. SC & TM grab him, and they try to push him out, with Lion in front pushing back.)

SCARECROW No it won’t. It stays up there.

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LION There’s always something to hide from!

DOROTHY Oh look! Look! There's the Emerald City!

(SC & TM suddenly let go of LION who falls thru them crashing down, then crawls from behind them to look at the Emerald City.)

SCARECROW It's beautiful, isn't it?
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SCARECROW This is no time for a nap! We’re almost there!

TIN MAN This is very strange. They shouldn’t be sleepy. We’re not.

SCARECROW We don’t have flesh and blood like they do. Something is affecting them! Hey, Dorothy!
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(WITCH & MONKEY #1 ENTER landing.)
WITCH Good work. You and your flying fleabag friends sprinkled those seeds just in time. Now round up Monkey Squad #1 and go pluck those ruby slippers off her feet. They should slide off easily now!

MONKEY #1 Eeee eee eee eee! (EXITS)
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SCARECROW Heavy pudding. Look her breathing has slowed down. She’s hardly breathing at all!!! She’ll die!

TIN MAN This must be the witch’s spell! She must be nearby. Oh oh oh! Help! HELP!
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SCARECROW Look - It's snowing! No, it’s.. it’s...
TIN MAN Bubbling.

(DOROTHY AND LION stir.)

SCARECROW Unusual weather they have here.

TIN MAN Is it more of the witch’s spell? Will the bubbles put us to sleep too?
SCARECROW Other than lemony-fresh, I don’t feel any different.
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MONKEY #1 I did send them, Oh Great and Evil and Most Ugly and Smelly Witch! They must have stopped to play!

WITCH They could have snatched those slippers right off her feet. Curses! Curses! I’ll take care of this myself and then you and your flying cockroaches will feel the pain of my wrath!


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MONKEY #3 (enters yawning) I overslept! What's going on???

MONKEY #2 The witch is mad! She sent Monkey Squad #1 to the Poppy field, but instead they went to the Puppy Field!

MONKEY #3 Oh, the puppies! I love the puppies!

MONKEY # 2 You wouldn't say that if the Witch turned YOU into a chew toy.

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GATEKEEPER Ha! Tell it to the tabloids.
SCARECROW She's wearing the ruby slippers Glinda gave her.

GATEKEEPER Ruby slippers??? Those can’t be….

TIN MAN Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the East! And those are her shoes! Glinda gave them to her.

GATEKEEPER What??? That’s the little girl who killed the Wicked Witch of the East???

(Voices from behind him:)

E1 Killed the Wicked Witch of the East?

GATEKEEPER Now, now, I’m the gatekeeper! I take care of the gate!

E2 VOICE Let them in!
E3 VOICE Open the gate!
E4 VOICE I want her autograph!
E5 VOICE Me too!

GATEKEEPER I’m the Gatekeeper, and no one enters without my OK! The Great Oz has decreed it!

E2 They we’ll go out!
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E3 It’s all over the news! How did you do it?
DOROTHY It was an accident. My house fell on her.

E4 Oh, she is so humble! Listen to her!
DOROTHY Awww.. it really was an accident.

E5 What were you wearing?

DOROTHY Uh,.... this?

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LION (panicking) Aaaack!

DOROTHY It's the Witch! She's followed us here!

TIN MAN Where is she???

E 12345 (pointing) Up in the sky!!!

DOROTHY She’s flying on a broom!

SCARECROW And it’s on fire! Hurray!

TIN MAN No! She’s writing something in smoke.
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VOICE OF THE WITCH Surrender Dorothy or your pretty little Emerald City will be a pile of green dust!

(TERROR!)

E1 Tell the Wizard the Witch is threatening the City!
E2 He must be told.
E3 You’re just a public servant!

GATEKEEPER The Wizard of Oz is Great and All Knowing! I’m sure he already knows, and will make an announcement. But in the meantime, I will grant them a temporary waiver and allow them in.

(As Dorothy and group go in and Exit:)

E4 About time!

E5 You just wait until the next election, Gatekeeper!
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LION Announce us! Announce us! Didja hear that? He’s gonna announce us to the Great Wizard of Oz! Oh, how does my mane look? Is it tangled? Are my whiskers mussed? My tail! My tail! Is it smooth and supple?
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DOROTHY Oh! (They stand shocked for 3 seconds.) Refuses to see us!

TIN MAN Oh, Dorothy I’m sorry. I guess we came a long way for nothing.

SCARECROW This is – is – is a travesty! An injustice! A – a – a

LION Real bummer! (sobs)

(DOROTHY hugs Toto.)
DOROTHY Oh, Toto! The Wizard was our only hope. (starts crying)
We’ll never see Kansas again or Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. They took care of me since I was a baby and I never appreciated them. All I did was complain and cause trouble.
DOROTHY And I lost the envelopes and stamps so I can’t even write! (sobs)

TIN MAN Do they deliver mail inside the dog pound???

DOROTHY Waaaah ! (crying more)

LION (to Tin Man) Can't you be more sensitive???

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LION Oh, don’t worry! They’ve got a 5-day waiting period before they....um...um...... Or is it 48 hours?.....

TIN MAN (brightly) Maybe she’ll be adopted!

GATEKEEPER (wiping tears) Stop! Stop! I had an Auntie Em, myself. I’ll get you in. I’ll get you in to see the Wizard, somehow. Now go on into town. See a show or something.
The ( Your Theater Name Here ) is putting on a self-referencing adaptation of an old classic.
Go see it.
LOUSY PLAY scene

(Dorothy & gang ad lib as they go around to enter rear of audience: excited talk of Balcony, Snackbar, Tuxedo, High Society, etc.
Cue the Lousy Players by saying: “Chandeliers”.)

(Emerald City Lousy Players: Dorothy, Toto, Glinda & Munchkin troop onto stage apron.)

LOUSY DOROTHY: Oh, dear, Toto. I don't think we're in Arkansas anymore.
LOUSY TOTO: Woof. (Uncomfortable dead air.)


DOROTHY: (Entering seating area) Shhh... It 's already started......Oh, dear..... Look at this place!
SCARECROW: Did you see the crud at the snack bar?
TIN MAN: Did you SMELL the stuff at the snack bar? Ugh. Well at least there's plenty of food on the FLOOR.
LION: Oh! It's sticky on my paws! (They look for seats)

BACKSTAGE: Pssst! I wonder where we are!
LOUSY DOROTHY : I wonder where we are?....
...... I said I WONDER WHERE WE ARE?
LOUSY GLINDA: Uh, Munchkinland.
LOUSY MUNCHKIN: Ding Dong the Witch is dead lalala
LOUSY GLINDA & DOROTHY: NOT YET! (Dead air.)
LOUSY TOTO: Woof.


DOROTHY: Is this a musical?????
SCARECROW: More like a massacre.
TIN MAN: Is that a man in a dress?
LION (crying) : This is disturbing.

BACKSTAGE: pssst! Are you a good witch ??
LOUSY GLINDA: OH! Uh... Are you a good witch--
LOUSY DOROTHY: I'm not a witch.
LOUSY GLINDA: --or a bad witch?
LOUSY DOROTHY: I SAID I'M NOT A WITCH!
LOUSY GLINDA: You interrupted my line!
LOUSY DOROTHY: Because you stopped.
(Whispered argument.)
LOUSY TOTO: Woof.


DOROTHY: Scarecrow! Check the tickets. Is this the right theater?
LION (jumps up): Who touched me?
TIN MAN & SCARECROW: Not me.
LION: Eeeek! Now I'm scared to sit down.

BACKSTAGE: pssst! Welcome to Munchkinland!
LOUSY GLINDA: Welcome to Munchkinland!
LOUSY MUNCHKIN: Ding Dong the Witch is dead--
LOUSY GLINDA & DOROTHY: NOT YET!
LOUSY BACKSTAGE: psst! The House!!
LOUSY GLINDA: Uh... your house. Uh… It fell on the wicked witch.
LOUSY DOROTHY: Oh, no! It was an accident.
LOUSY WITCH: (Shoved on) Uh... Who killed my sister?
LOUSY DOROTHY: Uh... Like I said, it was an accident.
LOUSY BACKSTAGE: psst! I'll get you my pretty.
LOUSY WITCH: I get that you're pretty.
LOUSY DOROTHY: And my dog????
LOUSY WITCH: Uh, he's pretty too.... Goodbye. (EXITS)
LOUSY TOTO: Woof. I’m pretty!


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DOROTHY: That was the worst play I've ever seen.

SCARECROW: No wonder the tickets were free.

TIN MAN: They should have paid us to see it.

LION: Ohhh... my tummy feels really weird.

ALL: Did you eat something from the snackbar????
SCENE 8: OZ’S THRONE ROOM

GATEKEEPER: (ENTER Tooting horn!) Attention! The Wizard of Oz will see you now. Please assemble yourselves at the entrance to the Throne Room. Do not look upon the face of Oz for more than a moment or you will surely die. And it won't be pretty. The curtain will open automatically. Good luck.
(EXITS to get in front of camera for Wizard’s Display.)
(The Oz Display is center upstage. Giant Face is a video projection from a live video camera or videotape.)

# MUSIC: “Thus Spake Zarathustra!”

DOROTHY & OTHERS (ad lib as they run onto the stage apron, center) I hope I remember what to say. How does my (dress, mane, metal, stuffing ) look? You look fine, etc. Stop sweating/shaking/fidgeting/shedding, etc.
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DOROTHY I am Dorothy and this is my dog Toto. We were carried here by a tornado and fell in Munchkinland, and and I came here to ask you please, your most Great and Wonderful Wizardness to to to…

OZ SILENCE! The Great and Omniscient Oz knows why you are here. Dorothy! You miss your family in Kansas!

DOROTHY Yes! I do!

OZ What makes you think they want you back?

DOROTHY Oh, I, I,

OZ You stir up trouble and then run away! You leave your poor old Aunt to suffer the consequences! What kind of selfish child would do that?

DOROTHY Oh! (starts crying) I didn’t meant to cause trouble. I had to save my dog!

SCARECROW (runs to protect her) Here ! Here! Dorothy’s no troublemaker! She did what she had to do.
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TIN MAN Yes...?

OZ You mournful metal mutant! Only a magnet could be attracted to you! How dare you ask my superior abilities for such insipid idiocy! Scarecrow!
(Tin Man retreats, Scarecrow tumbles forward.)

SCARECROW Yes?

OZ You need a baling machine, not a brain. Why don’t you go feed a cow and do something useful for a change? Lion!
(Scarecrow retreats, Everyone pushes Lion forward.)

LION Uh – uh – uh

OZ You frumpy, flopping, frightened feline! Get up here and show me why you deserve some courage.

LION Uh –uh –uh (faints)

(The OTHERS run to LION.)

DOROTHY (in righteous temper) You should be ashamed of yourself. Scaring the wits out of him when he was asking you for help!

OZ Silence!!! The Good and Generous Oz has every intention of granting your requests!

LION (waking) Huh! Whad he say?

(THEY run to the side again.)

OZ But first, my eclectic collection of misfits, you must earn it! Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.
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DOROTHY That wasn’t me! It was my house!

OZ The driver is responsible! Be off! The Great Oz has spoken!!!!

(Flashing Lights! Cymbals crashing!
Terror! The LION runs down the steps, across the audience and EXITS with OTHERS following.)


OZ It is intermission! The Great Oz has spoken!

(CURTAIN CLOSES -- INTERMISSION!)

(During Intermission Set up: WITCH’S CASTLE onstage & HAUNTED FOREST on audience floor.)
ACT 2
(Set up Haunted Forest in Audience - including sign in the audience "Evil Lurks Ahead", not blocking the view.
Set up Witch's castle room onstage. Contains fireplace with fake fire and container of cookies on fireplace or on a table, on the opposite side: a chair.
Conceal Wizard's camera setup behind a corner curtain.)


SCENE 9A: MONKEY BRATS

(CURTAIN OPENS)
WITCH (pacing) Where are they? What is taking so long? The anticipation is killing me!

(FLYING MONKEYS ENTER excited and happy.)

WITCH There you are! Did you get the ruby slippers?
MONKEYS (scared): Slippers? Slippers? Slippers?

MONKEY LEADER: We got you something even better. Go on! Show her! We got you a........
(The other monkeys push forward a terrified monkey holding up a ruby colored Swiffer floor mop.)
. . . Ruby swiffer!

WITCH ( holding swiffer) A ruby swiffer.
(Song: “Monkey Brats” to tune of “Little Girls” - Annie)
(Monkeys silly dance and tease & mimic witch.)
Monkey Brats, monkey brats
Everywhere I look I can see them
Monkey brats, monkey brats
Night and day I eat sleep and breathe them

I’m an ordinary witch with feelings,
I’d like to spread terror everywhere
But who will flee? When all they see
Are these screeching morons flapping ‘round the air?

How I hate monkey wings, monkey tails
and all that monkey whining,
-- Monkey 4: Can I go potty? (Monkeys laugh)
(Monkey 4 EXITS but can sneak back in for rest of song, exiting right before the finale.)
I’d have cracked years ago
If it weren’t for my days off flying.
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-- musical interlude
Someday I’ll be the village idiot
Gibbering with the other dingbats
There I’ll sit, Watching it,
Total world destruction by (Monkeys grand finale pose!)
Monkey Braaaats!

MONKEY # 4 (entering) Wicked Witch! Wicked Witch! I have news!

WITCH (running to it) What is it ?

MONKEY # 4 (sassy) Three guesses!

WITCH Three guesses how I’ll cook your carcass if you don’t tell me!

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(Monkeys gather attentively)
Spread your moth-eaten wings and fly (blasts them with her bad breath) into the Haunted Forest and snatch up that girl and her dog.
Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed!
Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!

(MONKEYS Exit excitedly as Witch cackles. She stops, sensing something, turns around to find MONKEY #2 looking hopeful.)

WITCH What??
MONKEY #2 If you turn the other monkeys into cookies, can I have one?

WITCH Get out of here!!!!
MONKEY # 2 Eeee eee eee eee! (EXITS)
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SCARECROW What does that sign say?
(sign at bottom of aisle)

TIN MAN (goes to it) “Evil Lurks Ahead”

LION Evil lurks ahead?! Now I am going back! (they grab him)

TIN MAN Hey! What’s that?
(Pointing at an audience man in top row.)

SCARECROW Oh my oh my! I think it is the head of that evil guy Lurk! Oh, it’s hideous. The eyes seem to follow me.
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LION (turning all directions) There are eyes all around us! Look!

DOROTHY I see them. And they ARE following us!

(ALL scream & run down in front of closed curtain.)

TIN MAN Should we find a place to hide, and sleep until morning?

SCARECROW In the morning the Witch will be able to see us coming. We have to sneak up on her at night.

TIN MAN Wouldn’t a witch sleep during the day?

SCARECROW She would, but maybe not her guards and minions.

TIN MAN Guards and what?

SCARECROW Minions. You know, creatures that do her bidding.

TIN MAN Like what?

(FLYING MONKEYS lift up curtain and swoop out screaming!)
# MUSIC: “Danse Macabre Monkey Attack”

SCARECROW Like Flying Monkeys!
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TIN MAN squeak squeak squeak!

LION Oh, you’re all rusty! (oils Tin Man) There! Try to move!

TIN MAN I can move! Scarecrow! What happened to you?
(Sad part of MUSIC.)

SCARECROW They tore out my leg straw, and threw it over there! Then they took my chest straw and threw it over there!

TIN MAN Whew! You sure get around.

LION You won’t tell anyone I got tied up with my own tail, will you?
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DOROTHY But Good Witch Glinda told me not to.

WITCH (To Monkeys) Very well! In honor of Good Witch Glinda: Tie that leash to a big rock and drop it in the moat and drown the dog!

DOROTHY No! No! Here! Take the shoes! But don’t hurt Toto. (She sits on chair and holds out feet.)

WITCH Oh, I've waited 300 years for this moment!
(reaches for shoes, they burn her) Ahh! Curses! Curses!

DOROTHY I'm sorry. I didn't do it! Can I still have my dog?

WITCH No! Fool, that I am! I remember Tristilda’s spell now....
(remembering, becomes child-like singing)
“Hair that is plucked from a Leprechaun’s head
Fine pixie dust swept from under the bed,
Magical slippers dipped in Fairy blood red,
Stay on my feet until I am dead.
. . . . . No.... Those slippers will never come off, as long as..... you are alive.

(MONKEYS are both into the cookies and feeding Toto.)

DOROTHY What are you going to do?
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WITCH Aaah! Your dog made a puddle on my floor!

DOROTHY I’m sorry. He’s usually very well behaved.

WITCH (Sees the Monkeys) Get out of those cookies! And clean this up! (point to puddle)
(MONKEYS scream and EXIT the door pulling
Toto on the leash after them.)

And don’t leave the bucket out! (turns to see them leaving) Stop! You’re letting the dog escape!

DOROTHY Run, Toto, Run!

MONKEY # 5, 6 & 7 (ENTER dancing across & singing)
Who let the dog out? Woof! Woof –Woof Woof!
Who let the dog out? Woof !Woof-Woof Woof!
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LION We’ve got to find Dorothy before it’s too late!

TIN MAN But how? Maybe she and Toto escaped from the Monkeys! Maybe she is looking for us! Dorothy! Toto! Dorothy! Toto!

SCARECROW That’ll never work.

ALL Dorothy! Toto! Dorothy! Toto! (Until Toto Enters for a treat, or is shoved through the curtain)

ALL Toto! You found us!
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MONKEY #1 Eeee eee eee eee! Use your feet to untie it!

DOROTHY I can’t use my feet. I can’t even take off my shoes. Would you help me, please, Little Monkey!

MONKEY #1 Oh, no! I would like help you to but I can’t! I’m under a spell. If I disobey the Witch, or hurt her in any way, I’ll turn to mud!
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WITCH’S VOICE The moon is almost above the trees! Heee hee hee hee!

MONKEY #1 The Witch! She’ll kill me if she sees me talking to you! (EXITS with mop, but leaves the bucket.)

(WITCH ENTERS.)

WITCH Just checking on my precious little friend. I have something to show you.
(Dangles Scarecrow’s hat in her face.)
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MUSIC: “Evil March”

SCENE 9F: AMBUSH OF WINKIE GUARDS
IN FRONT OF CASTLE:
(SCARECROW, TOTO, LION & TIN MAN scurry into rear of audience.
Immediately the WINKIE GUARDS ENTER marching from backstage across front of audience up to landing and behind closed curtain in a loop over and over so they appear to be more.)


GUARDS O-dee –oh-de OOOh – Doh! (repeat)

( Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man must speak very loudly)

SCARECROW I don’t think they saw us!
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LION I’ll do it! I’m a Lion and I’ve got the claws and the teeth and the muscle. I'll go in there and rescue Dorothy! I’ll rip ‘em to pieces. (growls) I may not come out alive, but I'm going in. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.

TIN MAN Tell everyone how brave you were?

LION No. Tell me to get insurance first. (Turns back)
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WINKIE 1st to speak: Isn’t that one of Dorothy’s friends?

WINKIE 2nd to speak: Aren’t they supposed to be hiding? Do you think it’s an ambush?

WINKIE 3rd to speak: Naw. We’d have to be idiots to fall for that. Get him!
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(Clobbered Winky Guards get up painfully and stumble to backstage to quickly get their uniforms back on.)

(Backstage, Our Guys drop off the cloaks, weapons and helmets for the Winkies, then ENTER STAGE APRON. )

(Winkies get costumes back on fast!)

SCARECROW We've looked all over. Where can she be?

TIN MAN Did you look in the dungeon?

LION I looked in the dungeon. Even though it was terrifying... and musty! It made me sneeze! And there were scary mouses! They squeaked at me! Did you look in the cafeteria?

SCARECROW I looked in the cafeteria. It was disgusting! Banana Casserole Surprise. Bleah! Did you look in the Monkey Hair Salon?

TIN MAN I looked in the Monkey Hair Salon. Tick dips are on special this week.

LION Oh, really? I could use one.
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DOROTHY Scarecrow? Scarecrow! I’m in here!

(OUR GUYS & TOTO ENTER. SCARECROW starts to untie DOROTHY.)

DOROTHY Oh! You’re alive! You’re alive! And Toto’s OK. Did he lead you back? What a good dog! Untie me! Hurry! We don’t have much time!
The Witch said her spell would be ready when moon rises above the trees and that must be right --
(WITCH ENTERS .)
Eeeeek! Now! Look out!

WITCH Flippity-flap! Zap!
(SCARECROW is flung aside –
TIN MAN starts to untie DOROTHY.)

What’s this? A party? And I wasn’t invited? Oh dear. I never know what to do in these awkward social situations. Guards!!!!

(GUARDS ENTER from both sides, blocking Exits.
MONKEYS ENTER peeking timidly between the guards,
squeaking quietly afraid.)


LION (Leaping at Witch) Roarrrr!

WITCH Zap! Kittity –kat-Pitty Pat!

LION (thrown back) Meow! – Eeeep! (covers mouth with paws)
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WITCH Puppety-uppity! Zap!

(SCARECROW & LION freeze. They will obey Witch’s commands.)

WITCH I think I’ll have a little fun. Lion we need more kindling. Grab the Scarecrow and push him into the fireplace.
(LION is controlled by Witch’s broom, he grabs and shoves a struggling SCARECROW toward the fire.)
And then we’ll turn the little dog into a big marshmallow and toast him. Who says I don’t know how to put on a party?
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WITCH (comes toward her between Dorothy & Scarecrow) What?? The ruby slippers? Let me see!

(The Guards part and DOROTHY runs through and splashes the Witch with the bucket of water.)

WINKIES Oh, no!

(WINKIES & MONKEYS clutch heads and arms in a panic.
The spell on the Lion and Tin Man is broken.)


WITCH Aaah! You bratty little goody-two-shoes!
You splashed me with water! My one weakness! I’m melting....
Oh, Tristilda! Our childish curses have destroyed us both!
My exquisite wickedness melting… Melting… melting….
(she melts away, leaving broom.)
(Slide down steps at the rear of a platform under a curtain.)

MONKEYS (who play Tristilda & Repestra, terrified)
The Wicked Witch is Dead. We're going to turn into mud!
( EXIT to change into little witch costumes)
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WINKIE #2 (shock to happiness) And we didn’t turn to mud.

MONKEYS (leap to middle, roll around) We’re alive! We’re alive!
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WINKIE #2 No. You’ve freed us from a miserable life. Just think! No more marching around the castle.

WINKIE #3 No more attacking and pillaging!

WINKIE #4 No more getting zapped! And smelling her breath! And getting whacked with her broom!

WINKIE #1 Thank you Dorothy! How can we repay you!

DOROTHY Oh! Oh! Her broom! May we have it?

WINKIE #2 Of course! Take it! (hands it to her ceremoniously)

(MONKEYS are lying and sitting on floor. All eyes are on the broom being handed over. DOROTHY slowly, reverently holds out broom horizontally and carries it forward through the MONKEYS to the front of the stage, facing the audience. As her feet stop, the monkeys raise their arms like angels and sing:)

MONKEYS (angelic chorus) Aaaaaahhhhhh!
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WINKIE #3 Hey! Let's cut loose!

(WINKIES EXIT singing .)
WINKIES Bing Bong the Witch has died!
She got wet and then she fried!
Bing Bong the Wicked Witch has died.
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TIN MAN Well, Toto led the way.

DOROTHY Oh, but now, yawn, I’m so tired. And we have to walk all the way back to the Emerald City.

MONKEY #2 No you don’t! You can sleep here! And I’ll make breakfast! Banana pancakes!

MONKEY # 3 We’ll make you comfy beds! And jump on them to make them soft!

MONKEY # 4 And fly you to Emerald City in the morning! We’ll do loop-de-loops!
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DOROTHY Thank you. Scarecrow, what do you suppose the witch meant about her and her sister’s childish curses?

SCARECROW I haven’t a brain, but it does seem that anyone as mean as the witch must have had some bad childhood experiences.

(ALL EXIT except LION weighed down by MONKEYS )

LION Hey! A little help here???

(OTHERS return and take monkeys off, apologizing. As they walk out hand in hand with MONKEYS:)

LION Ah, gee, I wish I had remembered my Tigger pajamas.
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(SCENE 10 : LITTLE WITCHES’ FEUD- Closed Curtain)
(During this scene, strike Witch set and reveal Wizard's Throne Room.)

(ENTER onto Stage Apron center : LITTLE TRISTILDA with little ruby shoes, wand & a little cauldron. )

TRISTILDA (practicing spell) Hair that is torn.... No..
Hair that is plucked from a Leprechaun’s head,
Fine pixie dust swept from under the bed…

REPESTRA (ENTERING with wand) Tristilda! Did you turn my black kitten into an ugly black warthog?
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TRISTILDA I hate you more! And I’ll prove it!
Joy of Otter, Turning Hotter.
Make this Girl Allergic to Water!
Zap! Now leave me alone or I will dump this cauldron of water on you!

REPESTRA You didn’t make me allergic to water!

(TRISTILDA dips a finger into her cauldron and flicks a drop of water onto REPESTRA.)

REPESTRA Ow! It burns! You made me allergic to water!
Now I can’t take baths! Or drink anything but vinegar. I’ll be smelly and sour! Remove the spell!

TRISTILDA No!

REPESTRA I’ll get you back!
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SCARECROW Look I can spin it!

TIN MAN Hey! Don't point that thing at me! You'll turn me into a soda can!

LION Yeah! Be careful! You'll put someone's eye out.

SCARECROW Shhh shhhh. Get ready!

(CURTAIN OPENS
OZ DISPLAY & FACE)


OZ Can I believe my eyes? It’s Dorothy and her faithful sidekicks. Haven’t you left yet?

(No longer terrified THEY do not run to the side, but still face the audience and step apart so audience can see the Wizard.)

DOROTHY We’ve gone and returned, sir! As you requested, we've brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.

LION SC & TM We melted her!

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DOROTHY Tomorrow?

OZ Actually, the end of the week would be better. Thank you for coming. Now, goodbye.
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DOROTHY (stomping) Don’t call me childish!

SCARECROW Look over there! What’s Toto found?
(SCARECROW gestures for them all to go look.
If Toto doesn’t go, say, ”What’s going on behind that curtain?”)


OZ How dare you insult the Great Oz! The Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz!
I am busy with 6th dimension issues of extreme significance!
Issues beyond your feeble comprehension.
Internal organs and transportation to squalid rural counties are trivial matters to the Great and Magnificent Wizard of Oz!
Go away and come back in three weeks!
(Dorothy starts pulling the curtain aside. He jerks it back.)
The Great Oz has spoken!

DOROTHY Who are you?

OZ (jerking curtain closed) Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. He’s just the janitor.
Go! Before I lose my temper!
The Great and Powerful Oz has spoken!

DOROTHY (holding it open) Who are you?

OZ (still hollering into microphone) Do not provoke the Great and Powerful
(gives up and faces her) Wizard of Oz.

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DOROTHY Oh! You're a very bad man! And a liar!

WIZARD Oh, no, my dear, I'm a very good man, really I am. It’s just that my kind of good requires a lot of lying. It’s tricky.

SCARECROW (threateningly) You’d better have some tricks up your sleeve or I’m rolling up mine!

WIZARD Please don’t shout at me. It makes me nervous!

SCARECROW It makes you nervous?

TIN MAN You made us sneak into the witch’s castle to steal her broom and you don’t want us to make you nervous???

LION She made me say “MEOW”!!!

WIZARD Oh, you’ll get over that. But me! I’ll be in terrible trouble when the citizens find out I’m a fraud.
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SCARECROW Good story. How’d you get here?

WIZARD A pair of circus monkeys. The little imps got loose and climbed the rope tethering my balloon to the ground. Somehow they undid, or chewed through, the knot and set the balloon free.

TIN MAN Monkeys.

WIZARD Those two monkeys are the ancestors of the flying monkeys now endemic to Oz, for they rode that flapping rope all the way here. Their wings were magically added by the Witch of the East to use against her sister as they battled for control of Munchkinland.

DOROTHY Poor Munchkins! Poor Monkeys!
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LION Yeah, you’re on easy street now! But all we get is a broken promise!

WIZARD I did give you the raw end of the deal. I am sorry. But let me put my powers of obfuscation to work!

DOROTHY & GUYS (impressed) Oooooh! Obfuscation..

WIZARD Let me get my bag. (gets his satchel)

TIN MAN Do you think he can do it?
SCARECROW Keep your eye on him.
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WIZARD Back where I come from we have incredibly intelligent people who make great discoveries at the molecular and cosmic levels, but they still do stupid things otherwise. They drop their keys in the vegetable drawer, they loan money they’ll never get back, and forget to show others the love they feel until it is too late.
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I now present you with this pair of IQ spectacles and a rocket science hair-do (musses his hair) and a tweed jacket with professorial elbow patches.
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SCARECROW A wise man does not need advice and a fool won’t take it!

LION Whew! That’s brilliant!
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WIZARD Mr. Lion. You are ashamed because you flee from danger. That is not cowardice. It is wisdom. True courage is facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you are strong in.
Back where I come from, we have men who are called “Champions”. They are displayed with much pomp, fireworks and amplification. And they have no more courage than you have.
But! They have one thing that you haven't got!
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-- Good for free donuts and grilled cheese sandwiches across the civilized world.

LION Oh! Oh! It’s beautiful! Help me put it on.

TIN MAN Ooooh! It's shiny. Like me!

(OTHERS clap. WIZARD turns to Tin Man)

WIZARD As for you, my galvanized gentleman, you want a heart! If you only knew how lucky you are not to have one.
Hearts can break painfully. They can swell in the chest and drive one to tremendously expensive acts of generosity and devotion.
Every scheme I brilliantly concocted was derailed by my very own heart.

TIN MAN I want what I want.

WIZARD
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But they’ve got one thing you haven’t got!
Their name on a city park!
As Wizard of this fair city I now proclaim (pulls out picture of a park and “writes” on the sign with a flourish) that the new park being built next to the duck pond will be named (displays it): “Tin Man’s Heart of the City Park”!

TIN MAN It’s wonderful! And the children play there?

WIZARD Every day! Would you like to design the playground equipment!

TIN MAN Design it? I’ll build it! Look Dorothy!
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DOROTHY I don't think there's anything in that bag for me.

WIZARD Well, I’m sure there is something...... (takes out a few odd objects trying to get an idea, like an egg beater , then gives up) Well, you force me into a cataclysmic decision. The only way to get Dorothy back to Kansas is for me to take her there myself!

DOROTHY But how? With no wizardy powers?
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WIZARD (standing on landing) Good people of Oz! Beloved Munchkin neighbors! Thank you for joining us in a farewell celebration! I, your Wizard, revealed to you in human form, must embark on a celestial journey to visit other brother wizards in the cloud cities of the sky.
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(Monkeys should wave jerky so Toto smells it as he passes.
LION, TIN MAN & SCARECROW stay farthest away.)


E1 Oh! The Wizard’s balloon is so beautiful and amazing!
E2 Does it really fly?
E3 Of course it flies! The Wizard said so!
E4 Look the Wizard is helping Dorothy into the balloon!

MONKEYS Goodbye Toto Good bye Toto! (wave jerky to attract dog)

(DOROTHY releases Toto who, hopefully, goes to jerky. If Toto does not return, a Monkey should run over and pull him back.)

LION Oh no! Toto jumped out of the balloon! (or “that Monkey stole Toto out of the balloon!”)
TIN MAN And Dorothy jumped out after him!
SCARECROW Dorothy go back! Go back!

DOROTHY (returning) Come back Toto!

(BALLOON RISES. It is either helium on a fishing line, or is pulled up via fishline thru loop in ceiling.)
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MONKEYS Bite bite bite bite!

DOROTHY No! He’d crash!

E1 Haven’t you little monsters caused enough damage?
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TIN MAN Monkeys will be monkeys. And dogs will be dogs.

LION Stay with us, then, Dorothy. We all love you.

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GLINDA (jokingly) Freeze!

DOROTHY Eeeep! (turns to face her)
Glinda! You snuck up on me again! (laughs)

GLINDA Hello Dorothy. I’ve heard of your wonderful adventures and recent disappointment.

DOROTHY (running up onto stage apron)
Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
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AUNTIE EM (ENTERING) Oh! Henry! Henry! She’s in the parlor! Dorothy! Dorothy! It's me, Auntie Em.
Wake up, honey. We didn’t mean to leave you out in the storm. Oh, darling wake up!

UNCLE HENRY (ENTERING) Is she hurt?

AUNT EM I can’t wake her!

UNCLE HENRY Didja shake her? (he does)

(AUNTIE EM looks at him in disapproval.)

DOROTHY (waking) Oh, Auntie Em -- it's you!
Uncle Henry! And Toto! You made it back with me! Oh! And the house! The house came back too!

AUNT EM (patting her head) Yes, yes, dear. We’re all here.. and the house too. Oh my, Henry! She has a bump on her head the size of a chicken egg!
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DOROTHY Oh, you did lose me! The house flew up in the tornado and it crashed on top of a witch in a strange land and there were little people and flying monkeys!

PROFESSOR What a setting! I should write that down, turn it into screenplay or something.
Oh, speaking of good settings... I passed by a rescue crew and the local newspaper photographer. It seems your neighbor, a Miss Gully, got swooped up by the tornado and deposited high in a tree. (makes big photo gesture)
She’ll be 3 column front page tomorrow.
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AUNT EM The vacuum sweeper salesman was in your dream?

DOROTHY It wasn’t a dream!

PROFESSOR What was I doing in your dream that wasn't a dream?

DOROTHY You were a powerful Wizard, but you were really a big faker, and you made us promises and then broke them, but then figured out a way to keep them after all.

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AUNTIE EM She does not!!

DOROTHY Oh, Auntie Em! You have to believe me.
This was a real place. Some of it was beautiful, but other parts were terrifying. So often I was afraid, but I had to keep on going to get back home. And I made it.
(looks around)
Doesn't anybody believe me?

UNCLE HENRY Of course we believe you, Dorothy.

DOROTHY (lovingly) No you don't. Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home! Home! Home! Wonderful home! Oh, Auntie Em -- there's no place like home!

(CLOSE CURTAIN)


* * *To see a PERUSAL SCRIPT, please contact Jeannette Jaquish
at (260) 484-5946, between 7am and 10pm, Eastern Standard Time, USA,
or at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com/details.html.


WIZARD OF OZ SCENE LIST
p. 1 -Scene 1: TROUBLE IN KANSAS
Dorothy & Toto
Uncle Henry& Auntie Em
Miss Gully
Professor Woodruff
Weather Techies

p. 6– Scene 2: MUNCHKIN LAND
Dorothy & Toto
Bubbler (backstage)
Glinda
Munchkins #1-7 or more
Witch

p. 12 – Scene 3: SCARECROW IN CORNFIELD
Dorothy & Toto & Scarecrow

p. 14 – Scene 4: APPLE TREE & Hidden TIN MAN
Dorothy & Toto & Scarecrow
Apple Tree
Tin Man
Witch

p. 17 – Scene 5: LION IN DARK FOREST
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow & Tin Man
Land Shark
Boar
Lion
Witch
Monkey #1

p. 20– Scene 6: POPPY FIELD NEAR OZ
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Witch
Monkey #1 - Bagel scene & Poppy asides
Bubbler (backstage)
Monkeys - running across following Witch
Monkeys 2 & 3- PUPPY FIELD scene

p. 20 – Scene 7 continued: EMERALD CITY GATE
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow
Tin Man
Lion
Gatekeeper/Gatekeeper
Emerald Citizens # 1-5; LOUSY PLAY-p. 24
Witch (Voice)

p. 24 – Scene 8: OZ’S THRONE ROOM
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Wizard

p. 26 – Scene 9a: WITCH’S CASTLE
"MONKEY BRATS" SONG - Witch & Monkeys

p. 27 Scene 9B: FOREST – MONKEY ATTACK
Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, Monkeys

p. 28 - Scene 9c: CASTLE - DOROTHY CAPTIVE - TOTO ESCAPES
Dorothy & Toto
Witch
Monkey #3 & 4 onstage sneaking cookies.
Monkeys #5, 6 & 7 - Who let dogs out?

p. 29 Scene 9d: FOREST - TOTO’S RETURN
Lion, Scarecrow, Tin Man
Toto - SHOVED OUT by Monkeys #3 & 4

p. 29 - Scene 9e: CASTLE - MONKEY MOPPING
Dorothy
Monkey #1
Witch

p. 29 Scene 9f: FRONT OF CASTLE – WINKIE GUARDS AMBUSH
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Winkie Guards

p. 30 Scene 9g: MELT THE WITCH
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Witch
Winkie Guards
Monkeys

p. 33 - Scene 10: LITTLE WITCHES’ FEUD
Tristilda
Repestra

p. 34, Scene 11: BACK TO OZ - WIZARD REVEALED
Emerald Citizens #1-4 & Monkeys - SONG
Dorothy & Toto
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Gatekeeper / Wizard

p. 37– Scene 12: BALLOON RIDE
Emerald Citizens #1-4 & Monkeys
Scarecrow, Tin Man & Lion
Dorothy & Toto
Wizard
Glinda

p. 39 – Scene 13: BACK IN KANSAS
Auntie Em & Uncle Henry
Dorothy & Toto
Professor Woodruff
CAST of Wizard of Oz

Dorothy -
Auntie Em -
Uncle Henry -
Toto - (written to be a real dog)
Professor Woodruff /Gatekeeper/Wizard -
Miss Gully / Witch -
Glinda & Emerald Citizen #5 -

Tornado Techie #1 -
Tornado Techie #2 -

Munchkin/Monkeys and their special moments. Choose one with a strong voice to be the Coroner. Add more Munchkins or Monkeys by spreading out the lines, or give lines as Munchkin but not as Monkey or visa-versa.
#1 - (First lines, Poisoned Bagel, Mop, )
#2 - (If you turn the others into cookies?.. Puppy Field)
#3 - (Sneaking cookies, Puppy Field)
#4 - (I have News! Sneaking cookies, Bite holes in balloon?)
#5 - (Glinda, what date? Places & Action! Who let the dogs out?)
#6 - (Burped out of Donut Mountain? Read History. Who let the dogs out? Tristilda. )
#7 - (Read History. Did anyone warn Dorothy? Who let the dogs out? Repestra.)

Ruby Slipper Snatcher - (can be a Munchkin) -

Emerald Citizens / Winkie Guards
#1 -
#2 -
#3 -
#4 -
#5 (no Winkie Guard lines) - (Can be played by Glinda. Scene 7 lines only.)

Emerald Citizens in the Optional Lousy Play on page 29, to replace Land of Oz song on page 17.
Lousy Dorothy -
Lousy Toto -
Lousy Munchkin -
Lousy Glinda -
Lousy Witch -
Backstage Voice (can be the real Witch) (gets to read from Lousy script, page 29) -

OTHER CHARACTERS or JOBS (Can be played by Emerald Citizens)
Bubbler (someone backstage with a bubble gun)-
Apple Tree -

(Land Shark & Warthog can be other Monstery Creatures you have costumes for. Change lines to fit.)
Land Shark -
Warthog -
Monkey Handler - control and cue Munchkin-Monkeys backstage -
Toto Handler - - - (can be a Munchkin) (pushes him on for Kansas scene and takes him outside during intermission and makes sure he gets water and is supervised.) -


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