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HANSEL & GRETEL
and the FALLING CHRISTMAS ELVES

(c) 2007 Jeannette Jaquish
You may not perform this play until you have made arrangements with the author.
Royalties are very affordable. Please go to www.theaterfunscripts.com. After ordering you will receive the full script.


READER
HANSEL
GRETEL
STEPMOM
FATHER
WITCH
ELF 1 Ė Bossy
ELF 2 - Smelly
ELF 3- Twitchy
ELF 4 - Clumsy
ELF 5 - Narcolepty
ELF 6 - Whiny
ELF 7- SNEEZY Ė Actions but no lines
More elves may be added
FAIRY DOG MOTHER
FAIRY FROG MOTHER

PROPS: Big fake pot, potato & carrot, 2 hankies for Sneezy. Dogís & Frogís wands optional. See tech notes at end of script.
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READER: Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel.

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

READER: Yes, just as I said. They lived in a cottage in the woods with..

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!

READER: Enough! They lived in a cottage in the woods with their father who loved them very much, and their stepmother who had her sanity to consider.

STEPMOM : Husband! Your children are driving me crazy. Iím Hansel! Iím Gretel! It never stops.


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HANSEL: Stop! Stop! You naughty child! Give me back my Easter eggs!
GRETEL: Try and catch me, Rabbit!
STEPMOM: And they put a costume on the turkey for Halloween...
GRETEL: Oh, you make the cutest Vampire Turkey!



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GRETEL: Poor turkey! Got a sick belly.
STEPMOM: Our Thanksgiving meal tasted like a carnival disaster!
FATHER: I liked it!


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READER: Nice old lady? I don't think so. Judging by her Freudian slips, this is a wicked witch who likes to eat children! She took them into her house. Gretel looked around.

GRETEL: I thought you would have a gingerbread house.

WITCH : Oh, the property taxes on that thing were killing me!

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READER: The witch invited them to hop into a big pot of hot water. She said:

WITCH : Scrub a dub a dub, into the tub!

GRETEL: Why are there carrots and potatoes and celery...
HANSEL: floating in the bathtub?

WITCH : Oh, hee hee hee hee. Ummm... Those are bath toys!

READER: So Hansel and Gretel, who never were the brightest candles on the cake, hopped into the pot.
(HANSEL & GRETEL use potatoes like bars of soap.>

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WITCH: Mmmm, Smells delicious! I think I'll put on my Liberace Christmas album. (turns to look for it)
(FX: SEVEN RAPID BOOMS! - sound of big things dropping and grunts of pain. Hansel, Gretel and Witch are startled.)



WITCH : Great pickled pigs feet! What's that?
(Elves roll onstage in great pain, hats and clothes askew, and each flops on the floor after saying his/her line.)

ELF 1: Help us please!
ELF 2: We've had a disaster!
ELF 3: It's all because Whiny(points to #5 Whiny)
ELF 4: Wanted to go faster!
ELF 5: (whining)It's not my fault!
ELF 6: We hit some turbulence
ELF 7: While riding the reindeer - Aaachoo!
ELF 1: It knocked us off
ELF 2: And we fell doooowwwwn here!

ALL ELVES: Splat!

HANSEL: You fell off reindeer? Big deal! I fell off the refrigerator once.
GRETEL: Right onto his head!
HANSEL: And it didn't hurt ME.
GRETEL: (sarcastic, making the crazy gesture) Don't be too sure about that.



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READER: They hadn't eaten since Mrs. Claus fed them sugar cookies and cocoa on an empty stomach, and the carb overload appetite panic phase was just now kicking in. But though they searched high and low, all they found were hideous gargoyles!

(ELVES each look into the face of a person in the audience and scream in terror! Then run or climb back onto stage.)

READER: And when they opened the cupboards they found...


ELF 1: Spider legs in the cupboard!
ELF 2: Frog tongues in the refrigerator!


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ELF 1: A big pot of soup!

HANSEL & GRETEL: Soup? Where? Iím hungry!

ALL ELVES: Children Soup!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Eeeeeek!


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ELF 1 (in her face): Let them go you mean olí witch!

WITCH : YOU let them go or Iíll turn you all into dwarf hamsters.


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ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your Fairy Godmother!

ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!

ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your fairy Godmother!

ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!

GRETEL (groggy):Calling Fairy Dog Mother...

READER: In a blinding flash of light there appeared:

DOG (leaping onto stage): Woof!



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ELF 1: What are you?

FROG: Gretelís Fairy Frog Mother! Kribbit!

ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD MOTHER!

GRETEL: Snore!


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FROG : Well this is a pretty mess!

DOG: You said it, Wonder Warts. I guess itís up to us.

FROG: Right you are, Magical Mutt. Do you know what to do?

DOG: Sure do. Letís roll! (DOG & FROG roll.)



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DOG (waving paws): Fleezus-Sneezus! (shakes)

HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

ELF 1 : Hi! Weíre Santa's Elves.
ELF 2: We live at the North Pole.
ELF 3: And work in Santa's workshop...

HANSEL: Iím Hansel.
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel and Gretel!

ELF 1, 2 & 3 : Enough!


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HANSEL: Bye, Sneezy! My Dad says hi!

(SNEEZY turns back, blows his nose in hanky and tosses it to Hansel.)

HANSEL: Wow! Thanks!

READER: When their father came out the door, he was very happy to see them
(ALL hug.) and very sorry he had left them in the forest. He called to his wife:

FATHER: Honey, the kids are home in time for Christmas!
STEPMOM (ENTERING) : Oh, no! I'm going to go stuff sugar plums in my ears.


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HANSEL: Iím Hansel!
GRETEL: Iím Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Weíre Hansel--

FATHER : Enough! Stop saying the same thing over and over. You are driving us crazy! (to audience)I didn't realize it until they came back!

GRETEL: Ok, Daddy! Would you like to talk about history instead?

HANSEL: Or architecture?

STEPMOM : Oh, I love history and architecture! Letís go build an authentic snowcastle!

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GRETEL: Will you help me finish the arch?
STEPMOM: I would love to.

HANSEL: Do you like my gargoyles?
STEPMOM: Oh, they are hideous. You are doing a good job.
HANSEL: Thank you. I used Gretel for the model.
GRETEL: Ha ha.

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* * *To see a PERUSAL SCRIPT, please contact Jeannette Jaquish
at (260) 484-5946, between 7am and 10pm, Eastern Standard Time, USA,
or at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com/details.html.


Authorís Notes: Hansel and Gretel say ďIím Hansel. Iím Gretel.... on and on until someone says ďEnough!Ē

If actors forget lines, Reader can prompt them by saying, for example: ďHansel ran to his stepmother and said, ďRemember us?..Ē Reader prompts them as if it was written in the story Ė just the beginning of the line is usually enough -- and as soon as the actor catches on and says their line, the Reader is quiet.

When Father takes Hansel and Gretel into the Woods, he can take them out into the audience.

Big Pot need not be a pot. Can be painted & cut cardboard mounted on a stand. Or a big box, for instance for a washing machine - cut it down at the sides so the kids can climb in, then on another big piece of cardboard, cut a giant pot shape and glue or tie it to the front of the box.
House - Hansel & Gretel's house can be a refrigerator box, cut down one corner and painted.

Using real potato and carrot is easiest. The potato will serve day after day, but carrots wilt by next day if not refrigerated.

Email author Jeannette Jaquish at funantics123(at)yahoo.com or at link below.
Page Hit Counter begun Nov 27, 2007.

Email: funantics.scripts@yahoo.com