EXCERPTS of A Duck's Tale, by Scott Rousseau:Character Breakdown
Actor 1 - Papa Bear, Cop 2, Witch 3, Tailor 2.
Actor 2 - King , Baby Bear, Cop 1.
Actor 3 - Wolf/Grandmother, Witch 1, Tailor 1.
Actress 1 - Munchkin 1, Cop 3, Witch 2.
Actress 2 - Queen, Munchkin 2, Old Woman, Cheshire Cat.
Actress 3 - Mrs. Duckling/Gladys, Mama Bear, Sleeping Beauty.
Acarius - The Ugly Duckling (Frog)
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. . . .
A Duck
How about a peek at the little scuffer.
(Mrs. Duckling pulls back the blanket for only the other ducks to see)
ALL
EWWWWWWWW.
Another Duck
Now there’s one ugly duckling!
Gladys
Excuse me?
Yet Another Duck
Whoa! I’ve seen some ugly ducks in my time, but this one takes the cake!
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Sleeping Beauty
But Maaa, I didn’t want a sewing kit! How dull! I wanted the new Medieval Barbie. She comes with her own magic sword!
Queen
You’ll like it! And you’ll USE it! Besides...you’re too old for dolls. You’re sixteen now, Beauty.
Sleeping Beauty
But Mom! I wanted the new medieval Barbie!
King (entering)
Hello my queen. How’s our little tulip blossom?
Queen
Hello, my royal honey bunny. It seems our daughter doesn’t like our gift to her.
Sleeping Beauty
I can’t believe you’d give me this stupid sewing kit for my 16th birthday. What kind of present is that? Look! (she opens the kit, pulling out various items) Thread, measuring tapes, needles...OW! (she has pricked her finger on the needle. She looks up for a second… then falls flat on the ground into a deep sleep.)
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Acarius
And my! What big ears you have!
Grandmother
The better to hear you with, my dear.
Acarius
This is becoming awfully familiar.
Grandmother
(as wolf) Just ask the questions.
Acarius
And my! What big teeth you have!
Grandmother
The better to EAT you with my dear!
(Enter, the HUNTER)
Hunter
Don’t touch her, loathsome wolf!
Acarius
Him. I’m a “him.”
Hunter
You’re not red riding hood?
Acarius
I think we’ve established this already.
Wolf
Well now you’ve done it. You’ve messed up our fairy tale.
Hunter
Good going, Ace. Now we have to start all over. Now get back to your OWN fairy tale. And stop messing around in other people’s stories. Got it?
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Acarius
Who? Me? I’m not a witch at all!
2 Munchkins
It was him! It was him!
Acarius (to Munchkins)
Can you say “Liar, liar, tiny pants on fire”?
Munchkin 1
Dang buster. You are one ugly duck.
Munchkin 2
Do we have ducks in Oz?
Acarius
Wake up, tiny breath. I don’t think you’re in Oz anymore.
Witch 1
No. The saying is “I don’t think we’re in KANSAS anymore.
Acarius
Well, to tell the truth, you’re not in either one. You’re in Fairy tale land.
Witch 1 and Munchkins
What?
Munchkin 1
That stupid tornado!
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Papa Bear
Someone’s been eating my porridge!
Mama Bear
Someone’s been eating MY porridge.
(They both look, expectantly, at baby bear)
Baby Bear
What?
Mama and Papa Bear
Well?
Baby Bear
Oh. Uh. Ditto.
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Sleeping Beauty
Look. Maybe if I kiss you, you might turn into a handsome prince. What do you think?
Acarius
Ohhhhh, I don’t know. I’ve goofed up e-NOUGH stories today.
Sleeping Beauty
Awww, come on. It couldn’t hurt. It’s just a kiss.
Acarius
Do you know how many GERMS there are in one kiss. Gross me out.
Sleeping Beauty
Oh, for goodness sake, just come here and let me kiss you, the story has to come out right!
Acarius
No! No! No kissing! Kissing is gooshy stuff! Nooooooo! And besides. I never kiss on a first date.
(She finally grabs and kisses the duck. All of a sudden there is flashing of lights, we hear thunder, then a blackout. When the lights come back up Acarius has turned into a - - - -
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Old Woman
Hello. Fairy Tale patrol? Ugly Duckling Alert. Story gone haywire. We need help fast! Thanks! (she puts the shoe away) They’re on their way.
Acarius
On their way?
(The Fairy-Tale patrol shows up ala Keystone Cops. They speak very deadpan, like private detectives. Very “professional”)
Cop 1
What’s the problem?
Cop 2
We got a 911 on a 276 about a 799 in progress.
Cop 3
Where’s the duck?
Acarius
Duck here.
Cop 3
Uh oh. We’ve got a definite 799 here.
Acarius
799?
Cop 3
Transmorphotation of a fairy tale animal. Happens all the time.
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Cop
Okay...keep’er moving. Time is money. Now. Which witch will start first.
Dorothy’s Witch (1)
First Witch!
Rapunzel’s Witch (2)
I want to be first witch.
Sleeping Beauty’s Witch (3)
You ALWAYS get to be the first witch!
Witch 2
I do not.
Cop
Alright. Which witch is which?
(All three witches reply at the same time)
Alright. Alright. One at a time. (points to Witch 1) Who are you?
Witch 1
I’m Dorothy’s witch.
Cop
Which witch is that?
Witch 1
You know, (very matter of factly) I'll get you my pretty, give me those slippers, Scarecrow wanna play ball...
Cop
Right. The Wicked Witch of the East.
Witch 1
West.
Cop
West. Wight. er Right. You? (pointing to Witch 2)
Witch 2
I’m Rapunzel’s witch. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your...”
Cop
Got it, lady. You? (pointing to Witch 3)
Witch 3
Yo! I am Sleeping Beauty’s witch. (to the Sleeping Beauty) Who woke you up? The prince doesn’t get to your hiding place for at least a week.
Sleeping Beauty
Long story. Smooch, poof ribit. Later.
. . . . . (lines skipped) . . .
Acarius
You want to be friends with me? I’m so ugly and all. Especially now that I’m a frog.
Cheshire Cat
I don’t think you’re ugly at all. Your trust has made you very beautiful to me. I think you’re very beautiful.
Acarius
You do?
Cheshire Cat
Oh yes. Will you be my friend?
Acarius
I will! I will be your friend. Thank you so much.
Cheshire Cat
Good. Now, how can I help you?
Acarius
Well, I need to find a swan feather, so I’m going to Swan Lake.
Cheshire Cat
Swan Lake? Oh, no. You can’t go there. There are muggawumps there.
Acarius
My mother mentioned them to me. What are they?
Cheshire Cat
They were made by the goddess of the lake. She made them as guards over the lake so no one could hurt the beautiful swans.
Acarius
Wow. They must be truly beautiful.
Cheshire Cat
Oh, they are! You couldn’t possibly go to the lake. They would get you for sure!
Acarius
So what should I do?
Cheshire Cat
Wellll, I can make myself invisible and look for a feather for you.
Acarius
You’d do that for me?
Cheshire Cat
That’s what friends are for.
. . . . . (lines skipped up to the HAPPY ENDING) . . .