HANSEL & GRETEL and THE CREEPY WOODS
(c) 2005 Jeannette JaquishOffered for free performance use by J. Jaquish, if she is notified: www.theaterfunscripts.com .
If you request she will email the script as a Word doc file, a PDF file, plus an optional Forest Creatures song. Tell us how many actors you want: 11 to 30 actors.
READER
HANSEL
GRETEL
STEPMOM
FATHER
WITCH
ELF 1 – Bossy
ELF 2 - Smelly
ELF 3- Twitchy
ELF 4 - Clumsy
ELF 5 - Narcolepty
ELF 6 - Whiny
ELF 7- SNEEZY – Actions but no lines
FAIRY DOG MOTHER
FAIRY FROG MOTHER
(PROPS: Big pot, potato & carrot, hanky for Sneezy. Dog’s & Frog’s wands optional.)
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READER: Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel.
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
READER: Yes, just as I said. They lived in a cottage in the woods with..
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
READER: Enough! They lived in a cottage in the woods with their father who loved them very much, and their stepmother who had her sanity to consider.
STEPMOM : Husband! Your children are driving me crazy. I’m Hansel! I’m Gretel! Take them into the woods and leave them!
FATHER : But they’ll get hungry.
STEPMOM : Don’t worry. A nice witch will feed them gingerbread.
FATHER : Oh. They like gingerbread. OK! Come on kids!
READER: So the stereotypically clueless father took Hansel and Gretel far far away and left them. However, he made one mistake. Instead of taking them out into the WOODS...
GRETEL: Why did Daddy leave us in the weeds?
HANSEL: Ow! It’s all stickery.
READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around in the prickly stickly weeds waiting for their father.
GRETEL: Ow!
HANSEL: Ow!
GRETEL: Ow!
HANSEL: Ow!
READER: Finally, Gretel realized he was not coming back.
GRETEL: Daddy is not coming back! How will we find our way back to our house?
HANSEL: Look, it’s right over there. You can see it!
READER: So they walked home and jumped on the couch and got stickers all over it.
(JUMPING)
HANSEL: I’m Hansel! Hansel! Hansel!
GRETEL: I’m Gretel! Gretel! Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel! Hansel! Hansel! and Gretel! Gretel! Gretel!!
READER: Their stepmother heard the noise and came out to see.
STEPMOM: Ohhhh, they’re back.
READER: Their stepmother had a splitting headache when she called her husband.
STEPMOM : HUSBAND!
FATHER: Yes, dear?
READER: She told him where to take those noisy children.
STEPMOM : Take those noisy children over the hill and deep into the forest and leave them!
FATHER : But they’ll get hungry.
STEPMOM : Don’t worry. Seven little dwarves will feed them.
FATHER : Oh. They’d like that. OK! Come on, kids!
(STEPMOTHER EXITS.
FATHER leads H&G through the audience.
CURTAIN CLOSES - change set.)
READER: So their father took them ooooooooover the hill ... and through twisted, scary trees.. past the dens of hideous, smelly, unsupervised creatures, who watched them as they passed (children look at audience fearfully)..... to a clearing. Their father patted them on the head, and gave them some words of wisdom.
FATHER: Say hello to Sneezy for me. Bye kids! (EXITS)
READER: Their father headed home wishing HE was going to have gingerbread for breakfast.
FATHER: Mmmm... gingerbread.
READER: Hansel and Gretel stood around as the forest got darker and darker.
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel.
(pause)
READER: Night fell. It was cold and dark. The children had to sleep on the ground. The crickets chirped. (Elves make sound FX.) The owls hooted. The moon came out. The wolves howled. Finally it was morning. Gretel shook Hansel awake.
GRETEL: Hansel, it’s morning.
HANSEL: I’m hungry. What’s for breakfast?
WITCH (entering) : You are! Heee Heee Hee Hee! Oh, I mean you delicious, I mean darling, children are HAVING breakfast with me!
READER: Hansel and Gretel introduced themselves.
HANSEL: Hi! I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: Hi! I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
WITCH : And I’m a nice old lady. My house is over here... through those trees....
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
WITCH : Enough! Walk this way...
(WITCH walks bent over; HANSEL & GRETEL walk like her to her “house” back at center stage.)
READER: The nice old lady was really a wicked witch who liked to eat children. She took them into her house. Gretel looked around.
GRETEL: I thought you would have a gingerbread house.
WITCH : Oh, the property taxes on that thing were killing me!
READER: Hansel was getting hungrier so he asked again:
HANSEL: What’s for breakfast?
WITCH : Something delicious, but first you must wash up.
READER: The witch invited them to hop into a big pot of hot water. She said:
WITCH : Scrub a dub a dub, into the tub!
GRETEL: Why are there carrots and potatoes and celery...
HANSEL: floating in the bathtub?
WITCH : Oh, hee hee hee hee. Those are bath toys!
READER: So Hansel and Gretel, who never were the brightest candles on the cake, hopped into the pot.
(HANSEL & GRETEL climb in, standing. Hansel scrubs potato under his arm like soap. Gretel twists a carrot in her ear like a Q-tip.):
HANSEL (singing): Rubber ducky, you're the one.
GRETEL: Quack! Quack!
HANSEL: Rubber ducky, you're lots of fun!
GRETEL: Quack Quack!
WITCH: For Pete's sake! Sit down or you'll never cook -- I mean get clean. Squeaky-deeky clean!
HANSEL & GRETEL (plopping down) OK! Kersplash!
READER: Unfortunately, this witch was not allergic to water like her 2nd cousin in the land of Oz.
She began to add ingredients while Hansel & Gretel played in blissful ignorance of their impending doom.
WITCH (looking at Reader) Impending doom. Oh, brother.
HANSEL: Look Gretel, my potato is a submarine. Ping ping ping.
GRETEL: Look Hansel, my carrot is a torpedo! Ka-bloosh!
READER: The witch added some salt and spices.
GRETEL: What are you sprinkling on us?
WITCH : Just some bubble powder. Hee hee hee...
GRETEL: Oh boy! More bubbles! (Splash splash splash)
READER: There was a knock at the door.
FX: KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
WITCH : Who’s there?
(Elves march in singing a marching chant.)
ELF 1: I don’t know but I’ve been told!
ELVES: Leprechauns got pots of gold.
ELF 1: But do not grab one by the leg.
ELVES: Their feet smell like rotten egg!
ELF 1: One, two and three, four!
ELVES: Guess who’s knocking at the door!
ELF 1: Five, six and seven, eight!
ELVES: Dwarves don’t like their supper late!
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: One two!
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Three Four
ELF 1: Sound off
ELVES: Five Six - - Seven Dwarves!
(Elf 1 stops, 2 & 3 stops, 4 crashes into them, rebounds back and all fall. Elf 1 jumps up.)
ELF 1: Attention! (Elves jump to attention.)
Pleased to meet you! I’m Bossy!
ELF 2: I’m Smelly.
ELF 3: I’m Twitchy.
ELF 4: I’m Clumsy.
ELF 5: I’m Narcolep...(nods off)...ty.
ELF 6: I’m Whiny.
ELF 7: I’m.. I’m... I’m... Aaaachoo!
(Sneezes on other ELVES who fall.)
ELF 1: And he’s –
ELVES: SNEEZY!!!
( Elves jump up.)
ELF 1: We’re here to wish you a good day!
ELF 2: We live in a cottage down the way.
ELF 3: We were just passing by when we came under the spell,
ELF 4: Of a most delicious, bewitching smell.
ELF 5: Of cinnamon, fingers and margarine,
ELF 6: So if you don’t mind, may we come in?
WITCH : You are in!
READER: Hansel jumped up and hollered.
HANSEL: Hey! Sneezy!
SNEEZY: Aaaachoo! (Wipes nose with hanky and waves it.)
HANSEL: My dad says hi!
READER: The seven dwarves were real moochers!
(ELVES search front row of audience.)
They started scrounging around for something to eat. They hadn’t had a hot meal since Snow White married the Handsome Prince and moved away. But all they found were hideous gargoyles!
ALL ELVES (face to face with audience): EEEEEK! (ELVES run back to stage.)
READER: That caused some confusion. And instead of finding food they found:
ELF 1: Spider legs in the cupboard!
ELF 2: Frog tongues in the refrigerator!
ELF 3: Monkey ears in the toaster!
ELF 4: Rabbit teeth in the candy dish!
ELF 5: Hissing cockroaches in the cookie jar!
ELF 6: Sugarless candy corn!
ALL ELVES: Sugarless candy corn??? Blecch!
ELF 1: Why do people buy that stuff?
READER: But the dwarves knew they smelled something good. They followed their noses until they found...
(ELVES go to Left and Right sides of pot. DO NOT block the audience's view of Hansel & Gretel! )
ELF 1: A big pot of soup!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Soup? Where? I’m hungry!
ALL ELVES: Children Soup!
HANSEL & GRETEL: Eeeeeek!
READER: The dwarves tried to rescue the children. Unfortunately they weren’t very organized.
(ELVES pretend to pull on both arms of children, left, right, left, right.)
READER: But they only made it worse. The dwarves yelled for the children to get out!
ELF 2: Get out of that soup pot!
ELF 3: That witch wants to cook and eat you!
READER: But the children had been in the hot water too long.
GRETEL (wiping brow): I’m melting.....
HANSEL: Me tooooo....
(HANSEL & GRETEL faint over edge of pot)
READER: Hansel and Gretel fainted in the hot water! And it was getting hotter! The dwarves tried to lift them out.
ELF 1: 1, 2, 3, Lift!
READER: But the witched flapped her arms and yelled:
WITCH : Stop that right now!
READER: The leader of the Dwarves was very brave!
ELF 1 (in her face): Let them go you mean ol’ witch!
WITCH : YOU let them go or I’ll turn you all into dwarf hamsters.
HANSEL: Dwarf hamsters are so cute.......
WITCH : Bite-size dwarf hamsters. Yum.
ALL ELVES (jumping back): Eeeek!
READER: The Dwarves let go! They were afraid to be turned into hamsters. Their leader had an idea. She told Gretel:
ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your Fairy Godmother!
ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!
ELF 1: Gretel! Call on your fairy Godmother!
ALL ELVES: Gretel! Gretel! Wake-up!
GRETEL (groggy):Calling Fairy Dog Mother...
READER: In a blinding flash of light there appeared:
DOG (leaping onto stage): Woof!
ELF 1: What are you?
DOG: Gretel’s Fairy Dog Mother!
ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD MOTHER!
GRETEL: Calling Fairy Frog Mother....
READER: And with another blinding flash of light:
FROG (leaping onto stage): Kribbit!
ELF 1: What are you?
FROG: Gretel’s Fairy Frog Mother!
ELF 1: No No! Gretel! Call on your Fairy GOD MOTHER!
GRETEL: Snore!
READER: Gretel’s snoring shook the house!
ELF 4: She’s asleep!
ELF 5: She can’t call anyone!
ELF 4: How about Hansel? Could HE call HIS Fairy God Mother?
ELF 5: He would probably call his Fairy Hamster Mother!
ALL ELVES (nodding): Yeah....
READER (walking across stage gesturing): This looks bad! Hansel and Gretel are almost gravy and instead of a fairy godmother, we have a Fairy Dog Mother...
DOG: Woof!
READER: ... and a Fairy Frog Mother!
FROG: Kribbit!
READER: It looks like there will be no happy ending to this story. The elves burst into tears.
ALL ELVES: Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
ELF 6: This is terrible, terrible, terrible!
READER: The Fairy Dog and Fairy Frog Mothers looked at each other.
FROG : Well this is a pretty mess!
DOG: You said it, Wonder Warts. I guess it’s up to us.
FROG: Right you are, Magical Mutt. Do you know what to do?
DOG: Sure do. Let’s roll! (DOG & FROG roll on floor, then jump up.)
READER: The Fairy Dog Mother cast a spell on the Wicked Witch giving her fleas and allergies.
DOG (waving paws): Fleezus-Sneezus! (shakes)
WITCH : Ha ha! Dog magic? (sarcastic) Oh, I’m sooo afraid! Ha ha ha!. So… so… so… Itchy! Itchy! Itchy! Aaachoo! Aaachoo!
(SNEEZY hands a hanky to the Witch who blows a raspberry into it and tries to hand it back.)
SNEEZY: Yuck! ( SNEEZY jumps back in disgust and the Witch drops it on the floor.)
READER: The Fairy Frog Mother hopped over to the pot and said these magic words:
FROG: Hoppus Ploppus Stoppus!
READER: She hopped into the pot splashing Hansel and Gretel out in a huge tidal wave!
(FROG jumps in – HANSEL & GRETEL somersault-roll head first out. ELVES fall down in the tidal wave.)
[NOTE: Hansel & Gretel should be crouched with their feet flat on the floor in the pot so they can just push off with their feet and head-first roll out. Practice!]
READER: The dwarves cheered!
ALL ELVES: Yay! 1, 2, 3 --
Go Fairy Frog! Kribbit Kribbit Kribbit!
Go Fairy Dog! Woof Woof Woof!
READER: The Wicked Witch ran off to jump in the river to drown her fleas....
WITCH: Oh, I’m so itchy itchy itchy... (EXIT)
READER: and Hansel and Gretel recovered from their soup induced heat stroke. They introduced themselves to the dwarves.
HANSEL: Hi! I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: Hi! I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
ELF 1 : Hi! We’re the seven dwarves.
ELF 2: You might have heard of us in the story of Snow White.
ELF 3: Once upon a time a long time ago...
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
ELF 1, 2 & 3 : Enough!
READER: The Elves showed Hansel and Gretel the way home.
(Travel into audience or around stage.)
HANSEL: I’m Hansel.
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel! (on and on and on)
(ELVES have hands over ears and moaning.)
READER: The Elves couldn’t get rid of Hansel and Gretel fast enough.
(Go to Home area. Each Elf pauses to speak.)
ELF 1: OK! Here is your house! Good bye!
ELF 2: What an ordeal!
ELF 3: I thought they would never stop yakking!
ELF 4: They never did!
ELF 5: My ears are killing me!
ELF 6: My ears are bigger than yours so mine are killing me more!
SNEEZY : Aaachoo! (searches pocket for hanky but can’t find it so blows raspberry on back of Elf 6’s shirt.)
ELF 6: Hey! What’s going on back there!
(ELVES EXIT or kneel at front of audience.)
READER: Hansel was sad to see them go:
HANSEL: Bye, Sneezy! You are my favorite!
READER: When their father came out the door, he was very happy to see them
(ALL hug.) and very sorry he had left them in the forest. He called to his wife:
FATHER: Honey, the kids are home!
STEPMOM (ENTERING) : Oh, no!
HANSEL (advancing on her): Remember us? I’m Hansel!
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
HANSEL: I’m Hansel!
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel--
FATHER : Enough! Stop saying the same thing over and over. You are driving us crazy! (to audience) I never noticed until they came back.
GRETEL: Ok, Daddy! Would you like to talk about biology, instead?
HANSEL: Or architecture?
STEPMOM : Oh, I love biology and architecture! Let’s go down to the pond and catch frogs and build sandcastles!
(STEPMOM, HANSEL & GRETEL, go to side, pantomime.)
GRETEL: I’m making a princess castle.
STEPMOM: The archway is very graceful.
HANSEL: I’m making my dungeon first.
STEPMOM: It is very deep. You are doing a good job.
READER: And then a magical thing happened. When the yammering stopped, their stepmother magically turned into a loving caring person. It was magic.
FATHER: No.... I don’t think that was magic.
READER: It was parenting!!! (lifts arm) And they all lived...
(ACTORS run onstage. Reader cues them:)
(READER drops arm:)
ALL: ..Happily ever after!
HANSEL: I’m Hansel!
GRETEL: I’m Gretel!
HANSEL & GRETEL: We’re Hansel and Gretel!
ALL: Enough!!!! The End!
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Author’s Notes: Hansel and Gretel say “I’m Hansel. I’m Gretel.... on and on and on until someone says “Enough!”
If actors forget lines, Reader can prompt them by saying, for example: “Hansel said, “Remember us?..” Reader prompts them as if it was written in the story – just the beginning of the line is usually enough -- and as soon as the actor catches on and says their line, the Reader is quiet.
When Father takes Hansel and Gretel into the Woods, he can take them out into the audience.
Big Pot need not be a pot. A very large black storage tub, spritzed with silver spray paint looks like a big pot, or it can be painted & cut cardboard mounted on a stand or onto a big cardboard box.
Using real potato and carrot is easiest. The potato will serve day after day, but carrots wilt by next day if not refrigerated.
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