Excerpts from Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice
~ The Parody ~

by Jeannette Jaquish

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Excerpts from Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice
The Parody

a spoof by Jeannette Jaquish
(c)2007-2009 Jeannette Jaquish

These excerpts are about 1/3 of the whole script.
Scene 1 is in full. You many perform Scene 1 for free.
Don't be cheap! Don't perform the excerpts or try to fill in the empty spots.
Order the whole script for a ridiculously low royalty at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com

SCENE 1: HOUSE ELVES VISIT
(Harry Potter’s bedroom. Bed, chairs, shoes on floor.)

UNCLE VERNON (voice offstage) I’ve had enough of your back talk, Boy!
(Big arms shove HARRY through the door and pull it shut.)

HARRY (trying to open locked door) Let me out! You let me out!
(Movement under bedspread and cloak draped on chair.)
What is it? Who’s there!

(Another stirring. HARRY is terrified. He runs to door.)

HARRY (beating on the door) Uncle Vernon, I’m sorry! Please let me out, pretty please. Pretty, pretty please!
(He turns, faces front. As the creatures rise, he squeals:)
Eeeeek!

(DOBBIE & WINKY throw off coverings. Winky is drunk, carries a bottle of butterbeer & wobbles around.)

DOBBIE (excited and lovingly) Harry Potter! It is your friends Winky and Dobbie. Harry Potter does not need to scream like a frightened little girl.

WINKY (imitating Harry) Eeeek! (twirls and flops down)

HARRY You startled me. Can’t you knock?

DOBBIE Dobbie is sorry. Dobbie will pour red ants into his ears for punishment. But Dobbie has a message.

HARRY What?
DOBBIE Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!

HARRY POTTER Oh, not this AGAIN!!! I've told you over and over, Dobbie. I must go back to Hogwarts! Learning magic is my life!

DOBBIE Learning magic??? No! No! Harry Potter must not make another movie!

HARRY What?

DOBBIE Harry Potter is getting too old for his character. (squirms) He... He.... He...

WINKY (hollers) Looks ridiculous!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY Dobbie! Dobbie! Tell me what's wrong!

DOBBIE Dobbie almost spoke ill of his master. (grabs a shoe from floor and hits self) Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!

WINKY (imitating ) Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!

(HARRY yanks shoe away from Dobbie. DOBBIE runs and grabs a chair or large object raises it to hit himself.)

DOBBIE Bigger punishment!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY What? Who is this higher master?

WINKY Never washes it. Stinky! (falls back, snores)

HARRY She needs to lay off the butterbeer. Dobbie, it's OK. Calm down. Tell me, who is the higher master?

DOBBIE NO! Dobbie must not name the higher master! The higher master can kill any of us!

(Through the window or behind the bed, come Ron & Hermione in dirty jackets and bloody bandages.)
RON Psst! Harry! (They come downstage)

WINKY Eeeek! (falls off bed and runs to opposite side from them. As she runs her bottle splashes audience. DOBBIE hides behind Harry, peeking out.)

HARRY Ron! And Hermione! This is great! How did you get here? Did your dad magic another Muggle car?

RON No, Mum would never let him. Says it’s too dangerous if Fred or George or I get ahold of it.

HARRY So how did you get here?

RON We hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!

HERMIONE (proudly) I wouldn’t let him! I’m not getting expelled!

HARRY Wow! How did you get up to my window?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



WINKY I’m off duty! Bandage your own bloody hands!
(HERMIONE runs back, feelings hurt)

DOBBIE (scampers to them) Friends of Harry Potter! Do not let him make another movie!

(RON & HERMIONE look at each other conspiratorially.)

RON Well that would make at least one of us the star.
HERMIONE (sternly) And the other the co-star.

RON There are rumors about who gets killed in Book 7... It could be anyone.... (they look at Harry)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HERMIONE Bleahh! Pages of you and Lavender snogging. That’ll be a good time to visit the snack bar.

HARRY Stop arguing! Did you come to rescue me or not?

RON (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, Harry. Your situation looks really desperate. Two house elves to take care of you.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



DOBBIE If Harry Potter promises not to make another movie...

HARRY I can’t do that, Dobbie.

RON (goes to him) Hey Dobbie. My house is real messy. You could get in some good floor scrubbings.

DOBBIE (skips to him excited) Ooooh.. Scrubbing??

HERMIONE Oh, yeah! And the sink was full of dirty dishes when we left. I’ll bet they are still there!

WINKY (skips to her) Oooooh! Dirty dishes? With baked on crust?

WINKY & DOBBIE Baked on crust!!!
(DOBBIE & WINKY dance ring-around-the-rosie style.)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



WINKY All right! I got nothing else to do.
DOBBIE Take our hands.
(They all hold hands.) Apparate!
BLACKOUT - FLASH!
ALL (EXIT) Aaaaahhh.......
CURTAIN CLOSES.
MUSIC -
( ACTORS remove jackets & bandages, put on robes)
OPTIONAL Scene 2
ARRIVING AT HOGWARTS -First Years to the Boats

(In front of closed curtain. HAGRID enters from side B, stands center facing side A.
The idea is that only the First Years cross the stage.
EXTRAS and imaginary kids enter and cross from side A to B. EXTRAS can ad lib greeting to Hagrid.
This scene is to make time for set change and Harry, Ron and Hermione’s costume change – they do not appear in this scene.)

HAGRID This way First Years.
(waves them to go from side A to B, passing him) You Biguns go that way to the carriages.
(points side A offstage)
(speaking to real and imaginary kids)
No, young lady, yer suppose to have left your luggage on the train. Jus’ leave it there. Don’t worry, you’ll find it in yer room after the feast.
This way all First Years! Go on down to the dock and line up to board the boats.
Creavey – for the third time, You ain’t no first year, and I don’t feel like fishing you out of the drink again.
(calling offstage )
Hey, Longbottom! Is this your frog?
(pointing nearby, perhaps in audience)
He’s hoppin' around over here. Musta jumped outta your pocket, right over –
(reacts to imaginary frog getting stepped on) Ewww.... (calling) Never mind, Longbottom. It's not your frog. My mistake.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HAGRID Just uh, wanted to say, uh, Draco, that… that I’s glad to see you coming back to Hogwarts.

MALFOY And why wouldn’t I? Do you think we can’t afford it?

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HAGRID .... there’s nothing like a dad…

MALFOY My father is locked up in Azkaban! Framed by that deranged, senile old fool Dumbledore and his piddling lap dog Harry Potter!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HAGRID ...... I was in Azkaban myself for a short but horrible spell a few years ago, something to do with your dad, if I remember correctly, but I don’t hold that against you, of course. And though I did have a dad, bless his soul, my mom was never around, she being a giant and not really the maternal sort.....

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------


Stop! That’s too many fer the capacity of that boat! Creavy!! That better not be you standing on the edge!
(runs EXITS)
Scene 3 - First Day of School
Setting: Hallway in the School
(Any furniture should be against the hall walls.)

(OPEN CURTAIN
Scene opens with no one onstage. CENTER on the floor is a basket of candy or something enticing. Peeves voice is heard from above.)

PEEVES' VOICE - Come here little piggy, come here little fool, come get your sweets on the first day of school.
(Suddenly something big and dangerous
falls from the ceiling like a
box painted like a huge stone brick.)
Works perfectly! Hee-hee-hee! Now to get ready for the first student.
("Brick" or whatever rises (on fish line)
all the way up.)

(WINKY and DOBBIE ENTER running, looking up.)
DOBBIE - Mister Peeves! What mischief is you up to now?
(CRASH! Brick falls again,
narrowly missing house elves.)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



PEEVES' VOICE - (singing) Protect the wee children the sweet girlsies and boys,
Diaper their bottoms and clean up their toys.

WINKY (screaming ) I'm not diapering any bottoms! (Zapping with her fingers) Spritzer-Ditzer! Zap!

PEEVES' VOICE - Aaaaack! (Big Brick falls.)

DOBBIE - (shocked) Winky! That is some powerful magic!

PEEVES' VOICE Oh, twisted, vicious little house elf! You has messed with my miasma.
(sounds of extreme disgust and nausea)
I cannot escape! I'm suffocating......

DOBBIE What did you do to him?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



RON - Ron. The name is Ron.

HARRY & HERMIONE - Hello Dobbie, Hello Winky.

WINKY - (deliberately, sauntering) Hello, Rick.

(RON gives her a dirty look.)

DOBBIE - Dobbie and Winky want to thank Harry Potter for the wonderful vacation he gave us.

(Other students pass by,
reacting curiously to the conversation.)

HARRY - Vacation?

DOBBIE - ( fondly remembering) At the Burrow! Scrubbing the mildewed bathroom walls, .... Scraping spoiled leftovers out of the refrigerator....

WINKY - Rick's bedroom was the best! His sheets were brown with filth!

RON - Uh, yeah, Rick.. Rick is such a slob.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE - And I never knew you had so many hands to eat with. You ate three platefuls at breakfast! How could you eat so much after pigging out at the Feast in the Great Hall last night?

RON - I was hungry...

HERMIONE - And you nearly cleaned out the snack cart on the train yesterday.

RON - Yeah, that new flavor in Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans is really good. Wish they'd put more than one in each box.

HERMIONE - You bought 15 boxes to get one Rico's Nachos flavored jelly bean in each???

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



RON - So all we have together is Care of Magical Creatures?

HERMIONE - I'm not finished! I also have (reads)
Necromancy in the Modern World
Magical Water Creatures
Numerology Applications and Game Show Opportunities
and Muggle Manipulation - I'm hoping that will help me get my parents to buy me a car.

HARRY - (suspicious) Hermione, are you doing the time turner thing again?

HERMIONE - Yes! Shhhh! (pulls out the time turner on her necklace under her shirt) It's secret!

RON - You're going to wear yourself out again.

HERMIONE - No I won't. But thanks for caring.

RON - (whining) And not be able to help us with our homework.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HAGRID - H'lo Harry.

HARRY - Did you lose... one of your.... pets?

HAGRID - Well, um, yeah, but please don't go telling that its me that put these up. I was sorta in violation of the leash law.

RON - (sarcastic) Hagrid in violation of Dangerous Magical Animal Regulations? Oh, that's a first.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HAGRID - No, just since yesterday morning. When I saw that gaping hole he chewed through the spiked log fence, I just kicked myself for running out of dead oxen to feed him. I'm sure he just got hungry.

RON - I can understand that.

HERMIONE - That Hagrid blames himself?

RON - No, getting hungry.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HARRY - And needs medication?

HAGRID - Rabies vaccination. Veterinarian didn't finish the job when I brought him out.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



MALFOY - Oh, dear, is the brave Harry Potter and his army off to fight the dangerous first year students?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



RON - (ready to fight) It's your dragon dung breath everyone fears Malfoy.
Maybe you'd like to take this outside?

MALFOY - I don't have time to swap childish insults. I have an important secret mission to prepare for. I'm off for training right now. (starts off)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE - What just happened? What did Malfoy say to Hagrid?

HARRY And why would Hagrid care about anything Malfoy would say?

RON Probably insulted his friendship bread. That stuff gives me the willies. They let the batter spoil for WEEKS before they bake it.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



(DOBBIE & WINKY are so out of breath and terrified .... that they can only squeak out a few words in between gasps for breath. .........
HARRY tries to calm them.
Hermione & Ron are behind them.)

WINKY Barely escaped!
DOBBIE Big!
WINKY Snarl!
DOBBIE Really Big!
WINKY Rawr-Rawr-Rawr-Rawr!
DOBBIE Snapping!
WINKY runs around screaming
DOBBIE Eating!
WINKY Rawr-Rawr-Rawr-Rawr!
DOBBIE Big Mess!
WINKY Flour! Syrup! Eggs! Kippers!

RON Not the kippers!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




RON Yeah, the menu said Goat Cheese Risotto.

DOBBIE & WINKY (running around screaming)
Goat Cheese Rissotto! (EXIT wailing)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HERMIONE Yes. You are right. Oh, I'm so upset I've forgotten my schedule.
(pulls it out, reads)
Let's see:
Elementary Magic Teaching Methods
Levitation
Potions
Lunch
Muggle Appreciation and Containment
Ancient Literary Magical References

HARRY What? That's not the schedule you read before.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HERMIONE I don't have a time turner!!!

HARRY You do! It's on your necklace.

HERMIONE That's not a time turner, you dope! (pulls out her necklace) That's my prefect badge.
(HARRY is shocked.)

RON (pouting) I'll never get one of those.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE - Yes, whatever upset the house elves this morning was obviously more than they could handle.

RON - Oh, my gosh, you’re right. What if they can’t make a proper dinner?

(ENTERING with a brown bag lunch)
LUNA - “Proper dinner”, is of course, a matter of definition. Evidently, we are brown-bagging it this evening.
(looks in bag or pulls items out)
Looks like some kind of wilted greens sandwich on a toasted fiber mat, oozing (sniff sniff) weasel gland mustard, a baked rotten banana spiked with flag toothpicks (or tied with a bow) -- very festive. And a zip-loc baggie of some kind of curdled mammal milk. I guess you drink it by opening the corner a little.
The House Elves are handing these out in the Great Hall. Better get yours before they run out.
Oh. And packets of ketchup. (waves one)
I think I will have a picnic in the Owlery! (EXITS)

RON - Aaah! Aaah! It’s Armageddon!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE - I agree. The homework can wait.
I’m going to go grab my SPEW socks.

RON - Socks to barf into? Bring me one.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY (bravely) Professor Snape?

SNAPE What, Potter?

HARRY Do you know who The Master is?

SNAPE The Master of what?

HARRY I’m not sure.

SNAPE Then I cannot very well answer the question.
But the Master of sneaking around, the Master of telling any lie to get what he wants, the Master of charming old fools with his baby-eyed round glasses and iconic lightning bolt scar, the Master of playing a character half his age and twice his IQ, .. That would have to be you, Harry James Potter.

HERMIONE - I’m back. Thanks for waiting.
(MOANING MYRTLE smoothly ENTERS with Hermione, sidling over to SNAPE.
He can not see her but the kids can.
She will circle him, blowing cold on him.)

SNAPE (continuing) Just like your father, the insufferable James Potter. A swaggering, conceited delinquent if there ever was one. His mongrel band of pathetic little hoodlums followed him about like a pack of starving puppies begging for a morsel of attention.
(HE notices that he is very cold. Pulls his robes around him.)
What your mother Lily saw in him is beyond logic. Such a promising witch. She could have been great if she hadn’t wasted her (shivering)
What are you doing, Potter?
(HARRY, RON & HERMIONE hold out
empty hands innocently.)
What dark spell are you casting?
(shivering so hard he can hardly speak;
if you can, drop snow flakes or fog on him.)
Everyone thinks you’re the boy who lived, but I think you were the baby who recognized your one competitor to absolute power, and struck first! This isn’t the end of it, Potter! (EXITS quickly)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE I, uh... invited Myrtle to join us, because...

MYRTLE I know all the plumbing!

HARRY The kitchen! Can you tell us where it is?

MYRTLE - (walking closely around them, smoothly, sensuously, sending shivers as she touches them) I can show you. I know you can’t sliiiide down the pipes like I can -- that’s the fast way. But I can leeeeead you.

HARRY If you would be so kind...

MYRTLE (circling Harry)- Someday, Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived, you will die. You’ll need someplace to haunt. If you don’t like my restroom, I might be able to relocate.

HARRY I’ll think about it... After you, Myrtle.

MYRTLE - Our expedition begins along the east auxiliary drainpipe which merges into the main before descending 15 degrees .....( she dives forward running, they follow arms up screaming like on a rollercoaster and EXIT)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



RON Wow this place is like, Middle Earth.

DOBBIE Harry Potter! (skips over) and Ron and Hermione! (to the other elves) They is kind to house elves!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



ELVES (fleeing, cowering) Ghost! Ghost!

HERMIONE Myrtle! Please don’t scare them.

MYRTLE Hmmph! Don’t scare them, Myrtle. (goes to sit on end of table, smoothing her hair .)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




APPLE ELF Please Mr. Harry Potter. Excuse Miss Winky. She has very poor manners. For shame, Winky!

BUFFIN She’s been hitting the butterbeer again!

WINKY (grabs paper off table and running back) I have not! What I have been hitting is a certain GIANT TOOTHY 3-HEADED LOST PET! Look!
(she holds up three of Hagrid’s Lost Pet posters glued side-by-side forming a 3-headed dog.)

CLERBY Miss Winky has a point. We had to fight this beast to defend the Hogwarts pantry!

WINKY Pantry Squad! Stand and deliver!
(THE PANTRY SQUAD (not DOBBIE) step forward holding up fists or kitchen weapons: mops, choppers, spatulas, big forks, forming a Charlie’s Angels tableau. Then they choreograph march.)

PANTRY SQUAD
We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!
(each shouts his name:)
Scrubber! Tiny! Pre-Soak! Clod!
Fighting Evil, Great and Odd!
We are the House Elf Pantry Squad!

(WINKY crumples up the poster and stomps on it. )

RON - So cool!
HERMIONE - And adorable.

MYRTLE (swooping past them) Wheeeeeee!

ELF SQUAD Eeeeek! (drop weapons, run away)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------


SCENE 4: THE OBNOXIOUS VOICE - Library
(Begins in front of CLOSED CURTAIN -while set is being changed.)

(RON, HERMIONE AND HARRY ENTER RUNNING, perhaps through the audience.)

RON Oh no! Oh no! I’m in loads of trouble!
MUSIC FADES

HERMIONE What did you put in that potion, Ron?

RON I just followed the recipe: two diced frog tongues, Gilly weed juice, a used goblin Kleenex, the contents of 9 Mandrake pustules – I popped them right over my cauldron!

HERMIONE Wait a minute, Ron! Is that the order you put them in?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY (ha ha) That was so funny. Did you see the look on Snape’s face when you splashed him?

RON I didn’t mean to! I have to put my cauldron on the edge of the table because you always jab me with your elbows when you work – I hate having you for a lab partner!

HARRY My sleeves are too long! I have to shake them up my arms! -- (he suddenly looks perplexed) Did you hear that?

RON Hear what? About your stupid sleeves? I don’t care! I’m in big trouble here. When Snape comes back all stinky....

HERMIONE (slamming book closed) No Ron.
(walks toward them) That wasn’t a “stinking” potion you spilled on Snape. It was a “shrinking” ( or a "gender change") ... potion.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY Do you hear that?!

(HARRY looking all over, steps down stage causing RON, who was leaning against Harry, to fall -Splat! RON crawls away to hide under the Joy of Potions book table.)

RON (falls, crawls under table) Of course I hear it! Snape’s gonna kill me. Rub it in why don’t you!

HARRY (reaching downstage other side) No that voice. It’s telling everything right as it happens.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



SNAPE Do you think I’m --

HARRY -- an idiot! I knew you were going to say that!

SNAPE & HARRY Silence Potter!

HARRY I knew you were going to say that.

(SNAPE struggles to not speak, staring him down.)

HARRY And now you are thinking a bunch of curse words and.... and... uh oh, Avada You Know What!

SNAPE I’m always thinking Avada You Know What! It’s only illegal to do it -- not to think it! --

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE Well, that’s not very useful, is it Harry? Predicting the future a half second before it happens?

HARRY Here’s Hagrid.

HAGRID (ENTERING) Who’s that foul mouthed little boy (or girl) I seen running past? I didn’t even recognize him (her) but he (she) called me some nasty names, he (she) did.

HERMIONE That was Professor Snape, Hagrid. Ron accidentally spilled a shrinking (or "gender change") charm on him.

HARRY & HAGRID Oh, they can fix him up at the infirmary. Ha ha! We said it at the same

HARRY -- time.

HARRY & HAGRID Madame Pomfrey will just use the old –

HARRY -- essence of bullfrog croak.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY I already did! After hearing that last thought.

HAGRID The one about wringing your neck and tossing yer head to Buckbeak?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



RON Well what about me? Harry gets fudge and I’ve got the Revenge of Snape. Harry, stop grabbing all the attention!

HARRY I knew you were going to say that.

RON Shut up!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------


SCENE 5: CAFETERIA
(Scene begins in front of CLOSED CURTAIN.)

(HARRY, HERMIONE & RON ENTER running.)

FADE OUT MUSIC



HERMIONE Out to Lunch? Can you believe Dumbledore is out to lunch when we need him?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE Chocolate milk? CHOCOLATE MILK??? How can you think of chocolate milk at a time like this?

RON uh.... I'm hungry!

HERMIONE RON! Snape's out to kill you and Harry's hearing voices!!!

RON Both those things go better with food!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



(CURTAIN OPENS -- Cafeteria-
Draco Malfoy is at the cash register wiping the wall with a towel and soon counts spoons in a cup-like container, his back to the audience, so Harry doesn’t see his face.
Instantly, Harry is shocked and confused, looking around.
Other students might be in the room eating or getting in line behind them.)

HERMIONE (looking) Do you see Dumbledore?

RON No... I don't see him. Maybe he's not here yet. But hey, I’m feeling a big peckish. (goes to select food on table) I think I’ll get a grilled cheese and a kidney pudding pop. How about you, Harry?

HARRY (amazed) What happened to the Great Hall? It’s turned into a Muggle cafeteria.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HERMIONE Owls? Why would we have owls at Hogwarts?

HARRY To deliver mail!!!

HERMIONE What? And have owls flying in dropping poop all over the tables? Gross!
[OPTIONAL Time Travel Scene 1]
*** (Time Travel FX)***
BLACKOUT
Actors freeze except Harry.
Dorky FUTURE POTTER ENTERS .)
LIGHTS UP
HARRY Hey, what's wrong? Why'd everyone stop moving?

FUTURE POTTER Young Harry Potter. Can you guess who I am?

HARRY Except for the clothes, I'd say a house elf.
(If Future Potter is bigger, say "giant house elf".)

FUTURE POTTER Harry Potter! I am you! Come back from the future.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY Chicks?

FUTURE POTTER Yes! Chicks! We had it all! But then we got too full of ourself. We thought we could do anything. And so I have come to warn you.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



HARRY Mistake. Right. Wait!!! You're from the future??? Do you know who the Master is?

FUTURE POTTER OH! No! No! Don't be distracted by this "Who is The Master" nonsense.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



FUTURE POTTER Dobbie? Dobbie???? Dobbie's skull has lumps on top of lumps. He's knocked himself silly 200 times too many.
Don't take career advice from Dobbie!


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




FUTURE POTTER Four years from now, Harry Potter, you will receive ...
*** (Time Travel FX)***

Oh, no! I only put in 5 quarters! (Starts spinning) Aaaaaaaaaah...
- BLACKOUT
FUTURE POTTER EXITS)
LIGHTS UP
OTHERS resume as if nothing happened.
HARRY is confused but gets back on track
and on script in a moment. )


RON Come on, quit fooling and get out your meal ticket. You keep it in your back right pocket.

HARRY Wow, you'd never believe what just... Oh, never mind. What did you say?
RON Quit fooling and get out your meal ticket. You keep it in your back right pocket.

HARRY There is a meal ticket in my pocket!!!

RON Of course! If you don’t have it, you go hungry. We have three new ghosts this year from lost meal tickets.

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



MALFOY (turns and screams:) You’ll pay for that, Potter!

(HARRY drops his food and whips out his wand.)

HARRY Expelliarmus!

(Malfoy is thrown back. The container of plastic spoons he was holding flies in the air.
Hermione picks up Harry’s sandwich and soda.)

MALFOY (getting up hurt and angry) What did you do that for?

HARRY Malfoy?? I thought you were attacking me.

MALFOY All I said was, “You’ll pay for that.” A turkey club and Dr. Pepper. Costs 3 sickles and 4 knuts. Why’d you have to zap me?

HARRY What? You’re the cashier???

MALFOY Of course I’m the cashier! You know I’m the cashier! I’ve worked in the cafeteria free lunch program ever since you broke the crystal prophecy orb in the Ministry of Magic.
The Dark Lord fired my dad because of you!
I HATE YOU POTTER!
Now pay the 3 sickles and 4 knuts!!!

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



(SNAPE makes a detour to snarl at Ron, EXITS)

DEMENTOR (gets food goes to pay, but does the who0o0oo-slurpy thing trying to suck Malfoy's soul.)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



MALFOY You'll pay for that, Hagrid!
(HAGRID grabs and lifts him roughly by his collar. Effect: Malfoy hangs on to Hagrid's arm, lifting himself.)
Please?
(HAGRID drops him, takes food and Exits.)

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




(DUMBLEDORE ENTERS in his long robe, dancing in a silly PotterPuppetPals fashion. Harry chokes.)

DUMBLEDORE (singing) Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dumble Dumble-dore! Good day, Draco, I’ll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram’s bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Dumbledore! 7 sickles and 3 knuts!

HERMIONE What’s wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?

(HARRY stares as DUMBLEDORE searches his robe pockets, hat, then lies on his back to search his boxer shorts or wildly patterned stretch pants, sticking his hand down his pant leg and screaming when it startles him coming out the other end.)

HARRY (sits) No, Dumbledore’s the same as ever.

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DUMBLEDORE (lowering robe) Pardon me, Hermione. Just getting a little air. Hello Harry... and uh.. Rob Weevil.

RON (feelings hurt) Weasley! Ron Weasley!

DUMBLEDORE (curtseying) It's a pleasure. How can I be of assistance to you fine young whippersnappers?

RON (waves sandwich) Government cheese sandwich, Headmaster! These used to have cheddar in them!


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(DOBBY & WINKY come tumbling in the door as if yanked by the spell. They jump to their feet and dizzily try to salute, very happy to be there.)

DOBBY & WINKY Dobby and Winky at your service, Headmaster!

DUMBLEDORE Sober finally, I see, Winky.

WINKY Dobby hid me bottle, Headmaster.


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DOBBY Young Malfoy! Let Headmaster have his lunch. Put it on his tab!

WINKY You are a bad house elf! Bad House Elf! For shaaaame! (does the finger shame gesture.)

MALFOY (stomping) I’m not a house elf. Not a house elf!!!! And it’s time for my free lunch.

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DOBBY (blubbering in tears) A big three-headed dog got in the pantry and ate up all the cheese, Headmaster.

WINKY (more blubbering) Us house elves had to go raid a Muggle Welfare Office to get more cheese.


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(ENTER MALFOY who leaps in!)

MALFOY Avada Kedavra! (zaps Dumbledore.)
(BLACKOUT! - FLASH GREEN LIGHT -
(DUMBLEDORE drops dead. )
LIGHTS UP)
Take that, Muggle Lover!
(Then it all happens in reverse.)

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EXTRA Hagrid was just eaten by a giant skrewt!

(ALL react in horror.)

EXTRA And the skrewt exploded!


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DUMBLEDORE You are correct, Harry. Haggis pie with chocolate sauce, though delectable (smacks lips) is not a healthy choice. But you cannot blame Malfoy. He does not write the menu.

MALFOY Yeah! Shut up, Potter!
(EXITS with food)

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HARRY Hagrid! You’re alive! But what happened to Hufflepuff House???

HAGRID All killed in the pixie explosion. You were there, Harry. You got blamed at first. Don’t you remember? Oh... Gotta go attend to the dragon honor guard. (EXITS)

LITTLE HERMIONE (ENTERING with tickets) Ron! Harry! Look! Look! I got us tickets!

RON (coming over) For the Hufflepuff versus Slytherin Quidditch game Saturday?


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HARRY What!? That’s not Hermione! That’s a little girl!

LITTLE HERMIONE Don’t call me a little girl, Harry Potter! I’m smarter than YOU!
(She shoves him into Ron who falls.)

RON Harry, cool it. Don't make her mad or she won't let us copy off her Potions term paper!

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HARRY Pom-poms????? (confused)


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[OPTIONAL Time Travel Scene #2
Another Time Travel Scene 2.1 with NO cops is at end of script]
*** (Time Travel FX)***
BLACKOUT
Actors freeze except Harry.
FUTURE POTTER ENTERS disheveled in ratty clothes.)
LIGHTS UP

HARRY Wow! What happened to you?

FUTURE POTTER (furious) You did all the stupid things I tried to tell you not to. And then you went on Larry King Live and talked about them. Now I live under a bridge WITH RATS!!!!

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HARRY I meant he's still alive today?

FUTURE POTTER Harry Potter! Shut up you prattling git!

HARRY Jeesh! Am I going to turn into a crabby old geezer like you?

FUTURE POTTER I'm 24 years old!

HARRY (shocked) Gasp! PLEASE, Tell me what NOT to do.

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FUTURE POTTER You'll never get me Time Travel Coppers!
(dives under table, and COP 2 grabs leg and is dragging him out, but he will get loose.)

COP 1 And I have a particular score to settle with you Potter 2,017!
Your younger self here took your advice, and in 2,022, you got your cheeky little self guest on The Daily Show!
You outed all us magical folk to the Muggles. You let slip that we were real.
We have no defenses against their technology!
Their guns shoot faster than saying Avada Kedavra!
Their cell phones are faster than sending an owl.
Magic quills and enchanted parchments
are not the INTERNET!

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FUTURE POTTER Harry! Pretend to hear
voices so I can plead insanity!
HARRY I AM hearing voices.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



DUMBLEDORE Tell us, please, Dobby. Who is the Master?

DOBBY Dobby has figured it out, but Dobby must not tell! Must not tell! (starts beating himself)

WINKY (comes forward, sassy, shoves Dobbie aside) Winky can tell. Winky knows because Dobby talks in his sleep. Us house elves throw buckets at Dobby to knock him unconscious so we can sleep. I can take you to the Master.


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WINKY Apparate!
BLACKOUT
ACTORS STAY.
VOICES APPARATING: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
(ad lib) I'm being crushed. I fell sick. What's that funny smell? Get off my foot. I'm dizzy....
JK ROWLING ENTERS
(-- with typewriter, crumpled papers and big bottle of whiskey, and sets them on eating table, and sits slumped over. Snores. Others shut up.)
LIGHTS UP


HARRY Is that... Is that... (to Winky) Is that the Master?

WINKY (nods smugly ) Not very impressive is she?

(All stare in fear and revulsion at ROWLING)

ROWLING (wakes groggy, then shocked) Amazing! You are just as I imagined you to be.
(approaches them staring at each one
fascinated and thrilled)

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HARRY Is that... Is that... Is that the Master?

WINKY (nods smugly ) Not very impressive is she?


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HARRY YOU sent me to live with the Dursleys??

ROWLING Of course you don’t know anything about this. You just live in the Hogwarts World that I’ve created for you....
Except now there are two stories, the book story and the movie story, and they’ve become so far apart, so different.
So much of what I put IN the books was left OUT of the movies.
So when I wrote the LAST book, I… I… I had to decide if I would leave those things out of IT too!

RON LAST book? Did she say LAST BOOK?

ROWLING (spots Winky, goes to stare at her in delight) Are you Winky?
You’ve never been seen in the movies
-- never found Harry’s lost wand,
-- never accused of summoning the Dark Mark,
--never expelled from Barty Crouch’s household.

WINKY Never a drunken lush?

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------




HERMIONE That sounds familiar.

ROWLING Hermione! In my book you blackmailed Rita Skeeter for being an illegal animagus and forced her to write Harry’s story for The Quibbler.

HARRY & RON (slapping her on the back)
Way to go, Hermione!

ROWLING Ron, in my 5th book, you and Hermione are both Prefects.

(RON gasps like Miss Universe being crowned.)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



ROWLING All that worked was the scene where Ron slops his potion on Snape, and Snape takes it out on Hagrid. But my editor nixed it.

HARRY (to Ron) See! See! It wasn't my sleeves!

ROWLING So when I wrote the last book, I had to decide: Should I leave out those characters and events that never made it into the movies?

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WINKY (sarcastic) Yesss! Does Ronnie-Poo become Miss Polly Perfect Prefect?

RON Yes! Yes! Do I?

(ALL stare at ROWLING with excitement and dread.)


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



DUMBLEDORE Yes! Change it! Change it!

DOBBIE (on his knees) Bring back the cheese!

WINKY (to ROWLING) Spit it out! What did you do?

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



DOBBIE (kindly) But you are not at peace, are you?

ROWLING No, I’m not. I can’t let it go.

HARRY Let me guess! You are STILL making changes! And only I notice them.

HERMIONE Oh, Harry. We all notice them. We’re just not whiners like you.

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RON Any hint on who gets killed in the last book and movie?

HERMIONE Doesn’t matter does it? Book or Movie! It’s the last!

RON If it’s a painful death it matters.


--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



ROWLING (alone onstage and stunned)
They’re gone! Did I dream them?
Or are they real?
When I write the death of one does he really die?

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WINKY’S SPOOKY VOICE Help us, J.K. Help us.... I picked up the wand! Not Harry! .... Don’t let me melt awaaaaaay ....

ROWLING Winky! They are real! (tearing her hair out - distraught) Trapped in a chaos of book scenes and movie shortcuts!
It’s my fault! I let it happen!

--------------LINES SKIPPED------------



(ROWLING raises her arms in insane triumph. She lifts the typewriter or her fists and slams it down on the table and starts typing again as:)
(CURTAIN CLOSES)

THE END ----------
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