Excerpts from Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice

by Jeannette Jaquish

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EXCERPTS from

Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice, short version

a spoof by Jeannette Jaquish
(c)2007, Jeannette Jaquish

These excerpts are about 1/3 of the whole script.
Don't be cheap! Don't perform the excerpts or try to fill in the empty spots.
Order the whole script for a ridiculously low royalty at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com
SCENE 1: HOUSE ELVES VISIT
(Harry Potter’s bedroom.)

UNCLE VERNON (voice offstage) I’ve had enough of your back talk, Boy!
(Big arms shove HARRY onstage through the door and pull it shut.)

HARRY (trying to open locked door) Let me out! You let me out!
(There is a stirring in the room.)
What is it? Who’s there!

(Another stirring elsewhere onstage. HARRY is terrified. He runs to door.)

HARRY Uncle Vernon, I’m sorry! Please let me out, pretty please.

(As the unseen creatures start to come out:)

HARRY (panicking) Eeeeek!

(DOBBIE & drunk WINKY emerge. Winky is drinking a butterbeer, she will wobble around and flop down to sit upstage center.)

DOBBIE Harry Potter! It is your friends Winky and Dobbie. Harry Potter does not need to scream like a frightened little girl.

WINKY (imitating Harry) Eeeeeek! (plops down)

HARRY You startled me. Can’t you knock?

DOBBIE Dobbie is sorry. Dobbie will pour red ants into his ears for punishment. But Dobbie has a message.

HARRY What?

DOBBIE Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!

HARRY POTTER I must go back to Hogwarts! Learning magic is my life!

DOBBIE Learning magic??? No! Harry Potter must not make another movie!


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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WINKY Dobbie told me that story. That sock sounds disgusting!
DOBBIE Dobbie has another master. A higher master. Dobbie will never be free. None of us will.

WINKY Covered in snake slobber and blood. Disgusting! He still wears it.
HARRY What? Who is this higher master?

WINKY Never washes it. Stinky!
DOBBIE Dobbie must not name the higher master! The higher master can kill any of us!

(Through the window come Ron & Hermione)
RON Psst! Harry!

HARRY Ron! And Hermione! How did you get here? Did your dad magic another Muggle car?

RON No, Mum would never let him. Says it’s too dangerous if Fred or George or I get ahold of it.

HARRY So how did you get here?

RON We hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once, escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!

HERMIONE I wouldn’t let him! I’m not getting expelled!


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HERMIONE Thanks for the empathy, Harry. Ooooh! House elves!

WINKY I’m off duty! Bandage your own bloody hands!


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HERMIONE Oh, never mind! You have to make another movie Harry.

RON Yeah! I get a girlfriend in the next one.

HERMIONE Bleahh! Pages of you and Lavender snogging. That’ll be a good time to visit the snack bar. If we aren't barfing in the restroom.


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HARRY Good idea! Dobbie, Winky, could you do me a favor and apparate me and my friends to the Burrow?

DOBBIE If Harry Potter promises not to make another movie...

HARRY I can’t do that, Dobbie.

RON My house is real messy. You could get in some good floor scrubbings.

DOBBIE (excited and happy) Scrubbing?

HERMIONE And the sink was full of dirty dishes when we left. I’ll bet they are still there!

WINKY (stands up) Oooooh! Dirty dishes? With baked on crust? (jumps excitedly)


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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RON Oh, yeah. Hey, Dobbie, whisk us home and I’ll try to convince Harry to go into dinner theater or something.

HERMIONE Or puppets.
DOBBIE (thinking) Ohhh.... Dobbie will do it! Winky?

WINKY All right! I got nothing else to do.
DOBBIE Take our hands.
(They all hold hands.) Apparate!

(Camera flash behind them.. BLACKOUT.)
RON, HERMIONE, HARRY (EXIT) Aaaaahhh.......

(LIGHTS UP on empty room. CURTAIN CLOSES.)

SCENE 2: THE VOICE
(A hallway at Hogwarts)

(RON, HERMIONE AND HARRY ENTER.)

RON Oh no! Oh no! I’m in loads of trouble!

HERMIONE What did you put in that potion, Ron?

RON I just followed the recipe: two diced frog tongues, Gilly weed juice, a used goblin Kleenex, the contents of 9 Mandrake pustules – I popped them right over my cauldron!

HERMIONE Wait a minute, Ron! Is that the order you put them in?


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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RON Hear what? About your stupid sleeves? I don’t care! I’m in big trouble here. When Snape comes back all stinky....

HERMIONE No Ron. (they look at her) That wasn’t a “stinking” potion you spilled on Snape. It was a “gender change” potion ...
(SNAPE ENTERS. He is female or in a dress. OR "It was a shrinking potion" and Snape is really short.)
n.

(HARRY & HERMIONE try to smother their giggles. RON looks terrified.)


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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RON Harry is hearing the basilisk, Professor Snape. The Heir of Slitherin is loose again. You’d better go warn Dumbledore.

SNAPE You will not distract me with your desperate diversions, Potter. Your friend Ron Weasley will –

HARRY & SNAPE -- forfeit every moment of happiness in what is left of his short...

HARRY --life.

SNAPE How did you know I was going to say that?

RON Short life?

HARRY The voice told me. It says everything just a moment before it happens.

SNAPE Do you think I’m --

HARRY -- an idiot. I knew you were going to say that!

SNAPE & HARRY Silence Potter!

HARRY I knew you were going to say that.

-------------------- LINES SKIPPED including scene with Hagrid
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SCENE 3: CAFETERIA


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HARRY What happened to the Great Hall? It’s turned into a Muggle cafeteria.

RON What are you talking about? We’ve always eaten in the cafeteria. Did you bring your meal tickets?

(RON gets out his meal ticket.)

HARRY Meal ticket? Cafeteria? We’ve never had that. We eat free in the Great Hall. The food appears on the tables after the house elves prepare it on the floor below.

(RON & HERMIONE exchange glances – what???)

RON I wish.

HARRY And they’ve never served grill cheese and kidney pudding pops.

HERMIONE I think he’s losing it, Ron.

RON Come on, quit fooling and get out your meal ticket. You keep it in your back right pocket.

HARRY There is a meal ticket in my pocket!!!

RON Of course! If you don’t have it, you go hungry. We have three new ghosts this year from lost meal tickets.

HERMIONE Get something to eat, Harry. You must have missed breakfast. Here. (handing him a tray and putting items on it) A turkey club and a Dr. Pepper – that’s what you usually eat. (she pushes him ahead of her, up to Malfoy.)

(Malfoy has back to audience, straightening up napkins, etc., so his body hides the cash register.)

RON Unless it’s mac and cheese Friday!

MALFOY (stepping to side to face HARRY.) You’ll pay for that, Potter!

(HARRY drops his tray and whips out his wand pointing it at Malfoy.)

HARRY Expelliarmus!

(Malfoy is thrown back, the container of spoons he was holding flies in the air. Hermione picks them up and Harry’s sandwich and soda..)

MALFOY What did you do that for?

HARRY I thought you were attacking me.

MALFOY All I said was, “You’ll pay for that.” A turkey club and Dr. Pepper. Costs 3 sickles and 4 knuts. Why’d you have to zap me?

HARRY Huh? You’re the cashier???

MALFOY Of course I’m the cashier. You know I’m the cashier. I’ve worked in the cafeteria free lunch program ever since you broke the crystal prophecy orb in the Ministry of Magic and the Dark Lord fired my dad!
I hate you, Potter! Now pay the 3 sickles and 4 knuts!!!


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HERMIONE Here, Harry. Eat the nice sandwich. Here comes the Hogwarts choo-choo train.(she puts it in his hands and guides them to his mouth. He bites.)

(DUMBLEDORE ENTERS in a very silly fashion. Harry chokes on food, barely swallowing it.)

DUMBLEDORE (singing) Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dumble Dumble-dore! Good day, Draco, I’ll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram’s bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.

MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Dumbledore! $7 sickles and 3 knuts!

HERMIONE What’s wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?

(HARRY watches DUMBLEDORE searching his robe pockets, hat, then inside his shoes, then lifting his robe to search his boxer shorts, sticking his hand down the leg and startling himself when it comes out again.)

DUMBLEDORE Oh, dear, I do believe I’ve misplaced my meal ticket!

MALFOY No meal ticket – No meal!

HARRY No, Dumbledore’s the same as ever.

RON (taking his first bite of sandwich) Harry’s right! Things have changed!

HERMIONE What! What’s changed?

RON This is surplus government cheese! Gross!

HERMIONE Oh, Ron. That’s not important!

RON I can’t get it off my molars! Three sickles for a government cheese sandwich. Bloody hell.


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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DOBBY Young Malfoy! Let Headmaster have his lunch. Put it on his tab!

WINKY You are a bad house elf! For shame!

MALFOY I’m not a house elf. Not a house elf!!!! And it’s time for my free lunch. My shift is over!!! (EXITS with cash register and towel.)

WINKY Your latte and ram’s bladder order will be ready soon, Headmaster.

DUMBLEDORE Thank you Winky! Now little house elves, I have a question for you. Have there been any unusual changes around here?

DOBBY Well.... besides the cheese?

RON See! See! The cheese!

DOBBY A big three-headed dog got in the pantry and ate up all the cheese, Headmaster.

WINKY Us house elves had to go raid a Muggle Welfare Office to get more cheese.

DOBBY & WINKY We is sorry, Headmaster. boo-hoo boo-hoo

DUMBLEDORE There there, that’s ok, (shoots with squirt gun) Stop crying. No, I mean bigger changes.

(ENTER MALFOY who leaps in and zaps Dumbledore.)

MALFOY Avada Kedavra!
(FLASH GREEN LIGHT)
Take that, Muggle Lover!

(DUMBLEDORE drops dead. Then it all happens in reverse. DUMBLEDORE rises.)


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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HARRY What!? That’s not Hermione! That’s a little girl!

LITTLE HERMIONE (kicks him) Don’t call me a little girl! I’m smarter than YOU, Harry Potter! And just wait and see if I let you copy off my Potions homework anymore!


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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DUMBLEDORE Very strange.

DOBBY Excuse me, Headmaster. Dobby knows who is changing things.

DUMBLEDORE Who is it, Dobby?

DOBBY The Master.

HARRY Is Voldemort The Master?

DOBBY No! No! Far more powerful!
The Master can kill any of us including Voldemort.


-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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WINKY Not very impressive is she?

ROWLING (waking) Amazing! You are just as I imagined you to be. I must stay asleep until you tell me what to do!

HARRY Tell you what to do? Aren’t you the Master?

HERMIONE Don’t you control everything?

ROWLING Don’t you know who I am?

ALL No.

ROWLING I’m J.K. Rowling. I write your stories. I created you. But I don’t know what to do with you.

HERMIONE Created us?

ROWLING Of course you don’t know anything about that. You just live in the world of Hogwarts that I’ve created for you, except now there are two stories, the book story and the movie story and they’ve become so far apart, so different. How can I write the last book when so much has been left out of the movies?

RON LAST book?

ROWLING Are you Winky? You’ve never been seen in the movies -- never found Harry’s lost wand, never accused of summoning the Dark Mark, never expelled from Barty Crouch’s household.

-------------------- LINES SKIPPED
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RON Any plans on who you’ll kill in the last book?

HERMIONE Doesn’t matter does it? It’s the last book.

RON If it’s a painful death it matters.

HARRY Winky?

WINKY Apparate!

(Flash! LIGHTS OUT. PAUSE. LIGHTS UP.)
(JK ROWLING is alone onstage.)

ROWLING (stunned at their disappearance)
They're gone! They're gone. They came but they didn't tell me what to do .... Oh! Yes! They did! (She sits and begins to type or write quickly.)
Ha ha! This is going to be bigger than the Bible!
(CURTAIN CLOSES)

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