~ FuNANTiCS tHeATeR SCRiPtS ~
Funny, Witty, Exciting & Rea$onably Pri¢ed Plays
Children, Teen, Adult, School & Community Theatre
Affordable Low Budget, Low Cost, Low Price, Inexpensive or Royalty Free
Theater Camp Scripts! Comedy! Drama! Mystery! Educational! Monologues!
- 1/3 to 1/10 the royalty price of Samuel French Theater Scripts or Pioneer Drama scripts! Affordable!
- Plus no requirement to buy scripts for each actor! You print your scripts yourself!
- PLUS: Personal communication with the author via email or phone
Buy scripts by mailing a check
or use your credit card on PayPal
and get them emailed to you FAST -- within 24 hours!
Or phone and get your script IMMEDIATELY!
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When they took the 4th Amendment, I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
When they took the 6th Amendment, I was quiet because I am innocent.
When they took the 2nd Amendment, I was quiet because I don't own a gun.
Now they have taken the 1st Amendment, and I can only be quiet. – Lyle Myhr
Teach children to speak up.
Dissolve the fear of public speaking by getting them onstage.
This world needs brave people who will not be quiet when truth needs to be said.
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~*~
Hi! I am Jeannette Jaquish [ formerly Jeannette Allen from Yuma and Tucson, Arizona ] and I write funny, creative scripts with lots of action and great lines for every actor. I have directed productions of all my scripts - they are stage tested. At this website you can print off free scripts and scenes, or order other scripts that are cheaper and wittier, funnier and more exciting than others on the market.
HOW THIS WEBSITE WORKS:
1. Scroll down the script list. Click on excerpts. Contact the author if you have questions.
2. Click on "Order Me", follow the instructions, choose "Mail a check" or "PayPal" to pay.
3. PayPal will take your credit card info and process your order.
4. Within 36 hours I will email you your script. Telephone me to get it sooner.
~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~
Section A:
Low Price Scripts
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Alice in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll <-- Click here for excerpts!
theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
MUSIC CD available
ACTORS:23 to 40 all ages.
LENGTH: 2 hours but never boring.
TECH: Medium complexity. Simple sets. Falling down the Rabbit Hole & Hallway of Doors and Pool of Tears involve some manipulation.
COST: $20 for one performance, $5 each additional up to $60 for unlimited performances.
MUSIC CD: $23 plus $2 for copies, postage paid. Add $3 for postage outside of USA.
See the Song List.
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This is the best stage adaptation of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland that you are going to find.
Main stage scenes alternate with shorter scenes in front of the closed curtain to allow set changes behind curtain.
Ingenious low tech special effects allow Alice to grow and shrink.
Alice is played by three actresses: small, medium and tall (we used age 7, 11 & 16 for example) with a size-changing experience between each. At a performance directed by the author, a young child in the audience upon seeing all three Alices onstage for the first time during bows, was overheard saying, "Look, Mom, there's three of them!"
Each actor can play multiple parts, except the Alices and the White Rabbit, making your cast size flexible.
Costumes Available for low rental fee - contact author with your needs.
Click to see photos of Adams College in Colorado's production of this script-->
SUMMARY: Alice throws a tantrum with her strict tutor over memorizing the moralistic poems children were required of as part of their moral upbringing in the 1800's when the story was written -- the same poems that Lewis Carroll lampoons later in the story.
She runs off and falls down the Rabbit Hole, grows and shrinks in the Hallway of Doors, falls in her own Pool of Tears, meets the ill-tempered Mouse, panicky wet creatures and the Pompous Dodo while the newly invented blind Mole and creepy Horsefly characters add humor.
She grows too big for the White Rabbit's House, kicks Bill the Lizard out the chimney, extracts some information from the aloof Caterpillar and recites "You are Old Father William" as it is acted out.
At the Duchess's house she encounters pepper, flying kitchen objects and a flung crying baby whom she rescues only to have him turn into a little pig that runs through the audience.
She gets direction from the Cheshire Cat, matches wits with the wacky Mad Hatter snobby March Hare and a groggy Dormouse. She witnesses an absurd table dance and impertinent banter, and storms off insulted.
In an easy special effect she finds the key, eats mushroom and shrinks, and finally can slip through the little door to the beautiful garden. She rescues the guards painting the roses red, plays croquet with a flamingo and escapes a mass beheading, hears the Mock Turtle's sad story, stands up for the Knave at a sham trial and starts a revolution against tyranny!
Alice begins the play as an impulsive, self-pitying, stubborn young girl, but finishes it as a witty, brave, thoughtful young lady.
The author has selected the best scenes from the book, stayed true to their mood and intellectual humor, worked and reworked them so they are stageable, and added lots of witty humor, extra characters and moments to give every actor good lines and time in the spotlight.
Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice - The Parody!<--Click here!
a spoof theater script by J.R. Jaquish
based on the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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Harry is once again locked in his room where Dobby & an inebriated Winky come to him with a warning to save not his life but at least his career. At Hogwarts things are weirder than ever, Snape is furious at Ron's spilled potion, Hagrid doesn't think Harry's "hearing voices" thing is funny, Dumbledore has lost his meal ticket, Malfoy has a fancy-schmancy new "mission", time is twisting, the house elves battle Peeves and whisper about "The Master".
This Harry Potter parody theater script is hilarious and smart and will be a big draw until
EXPIRATION DATE!!!
-- The 7th Harry Potter movie comes out Nov. 19, 2010. After that it will be good for Harry Potter anniversaries.
This script is excellent for Harry Potter events: book sellings, Halloween parties and Harry Potter themed events.
TECH: Medium-simple. Furniture move set changes. One sound effect. Some crucial blackout and light changes. Long version has a big fake "brick" rising on fishing line.
CAST: 12 to 15 actors plus extras if you got 'em.
CHARACTERS: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dobbie, Winky, Hagrid, Snape (altered by a potion to be a female or shrunk or something funny), Draco Malfoy, J.K. Rowling, a Dementor, extra students, plus optional characters: Time Police, Future Potter, Little Hermione, Prof. McGonagal.
LENGTH: short version: 32 minutes, medium version: 45 minutes, long version: 60 minutes - (You get all versions)
EXCERPT:
DUMBLEDORE - (singing) Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dumble Dumble-dore! Good day, Draco, I’ll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram’s bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.
MALFOY - You’ll pay for that, Dumbledore! $7 sickles and 3 knuts!
HERMIONE - What’s wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?
(HARRY watches DUMBLEDORE searching his robe pockets, hat, then inside his shoes, then lifting his robe to search his boxer shorts, sticking his hand down the leg and startling himself when it comes out the other end.)
DUMBLEDORE - Oh, dear, I do believe I’ve misplaced my meal ticket!
MALFOY - No meal ticket - No meal!
HARRY No, Dumbledore’s the same as ever.
RON (taking his first bite of sandwich) Yuck! Harry’s right! Things have changed!
HERMIONE What! What’s changed?
RON This is surplus government cheese! Gross!
HERMIONE Oh, Ron. That’s not important!
RON I can’t get it off my molars! Three sickles for a government cheese sandwich. Bloody hell!
Tech Notes
Cost: $10 per performance, $30 for unlimited performances.
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Contact the Author.
Dr. Frankenstreudel's Lemon Fresh Laboratory of Horrors <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Four squabbling urchins escape a mad doctor, a Julia Child / Frankenstein monster, a sickly lab rat and ravenous zombies. Educational, witty and absurd with lots of action.)
Actors: 2 boys, 2 girls, 7 adults or big kids (or 4 if Dr. F, Eyegore & Misty also play zombies). In a pinch, cast can be all female with one male (burly Eyegore), or all male with one female (Petunia)
Length: 55 minutes. 5 scenes. Medium tech complexity. At least a 3 1/2 foot high platform for graveyard scene.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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FREE: Scene 1
Quotes: "Those little wretches ruined my best spoons prying the bars of their cages!" -- Eyegore
"They may be mindless, flesh-eating zombies, but they are still your elders." -- Old Man Wellard
Auditioning a Ghost <--Click here for first scene and excerpts!
(from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story, "Selecting a Ghost")
adapted for the stage by Jeannette Jaquish
(Be careful what you wish for. Hauntings are forever.)
Actors: 10, at least 3 females, at least 3 males
Length: 1 hour +. 2 scene changes (just move furniture). Medium tech complexity.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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Arthur Conan Doyle wrote this in his earlier years, before his Sherlock Holmes series eclipsed his other excellent works. It has an ingenious situation as a husband/father seeks to give his wife/daughter the haunting she wants by hiring a "fake" gypsy medium. A stiff-upper-lipped English butler and plotting Cook enhance a devious plot with many unexpected twists.
You receive two variations, one with wife as lead, one with daughter as lead.
FREE: Scene 1
Quotes: "I'm ashamed to host even a tea party with no story to tell. A real castle should have a ghost." -- Gladys, spoiled daughter
"And I thought we plunked your inheritance in to this drafty old castle for the prestige of a wall-size fireplace over which to hang our mail order coat of arms. You should have told me you wanted a ghost. We could have bought a nice RV and parked it over a few plots in the cemetery." -- Monty, the father
Pippsi Longknickers <--Click here for excerpts and free Tea Party scene!
(inspired by Pippi Longstockings by Astrid Lindgren)
theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
(Freckled bombshell bullies bullies, gooses high society and does her part for intergalactic harmony.)
Actors: 16 to 25, including 5 smaller and 5 larger
Length: 75 minutes or less (scenes may be cut). 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity but a lot of it.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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FREE: Tea Party Scene
Quotes: "Spelling bee award? How nice! Now you can hold your head up high around the prettier girls." -- Mrs. Belittleton
"Once Grandma's servant stole her grand piano but she had no place to hide it so she dragged a carpet over it and told Grandma that the house's foundation was settling unevenly!" -- Pippsi
TWO VERSIONS OF THE "FROG PRINCE":
The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat <--Click here! (with optional songs)
or
SIMPLIFIED Frog Prince and the Princess Brats, JR
-- Good for camp or younger actors or amateur productions.
both theater scripts adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
(What's a few warts?)
VERSION #1: The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Actors: 6 to 14 depending on short, medium or long version.
LENGTH: 20, 50 or 75 minutes. 4, 5 or 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity.
COST: $10 per performance, or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
SUMMARY
A bratty princess, an obnoxious frog, a jealous royal dog, an imperious Queen beating on her sarcastic butler, two snotty visiting princesses, and a grinning boy prince. This script is fast moving, creative, surprising and funny, funny, funny! AND it is in rhyme for easier memorization and lots of charm!
The longest version has a Villain, some bumbling but good natured Kidnappers, a Revolution sub-plot, and an exciting ending.
Three Lengths:
20 min.: Basic story
35 min.: add visit by Foreign Princesses
50 min.: add lesson with the Tutor
75 min.: Exciting Kidnapping and Revolution subplot with 3 Kidnappers and "The Raven"
EXCERPTS:
PRINCESS CONCEITA: A prince?? Not likely, talking like that. If you were ever a human you held out a beggar's hat."
FROG: "I teased a frail old woman, begging on the road. I kicked her cane to make her fall and Poof!--I was a toad."
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QUEEN: So polish the armor, and the gargoyles need clothes!
The peasants are revolting, or so I'm told by my nose.
And the moat monster needs grooming - He's got bones stuck in his teeth!
Put him on a vegetarian diet. We're using too much beef!
~*~
CONCEITA: Jeffers! Take this cuddly frog for me. Love him and squeeze him until day number 3.
BUTER: Oh, no, Gentle Princess, of whom the angels sing,
The Good and Virtuous Queen would put my arm in a sling,
Oh, curse my mouth, what blasphemy! Not my one arm but both!
If she found that I assisted you in the breaking of your oath!
VERSION #2: (simplified)
Frog Prince and the Princess Brats, JR, <-- Click for Excerpts!>
15-20 minutes and 14 or 15 actors, age 7 and up.
This simplified script has THREE PRINCESSES (so less crying after auditions), three frogs, a Queen, Narrator, three Townsfolk and three Servants and is much simpler technically than the regular script. It follows the basic fairy tale but has lots of funny exchanges between Princesses and their mother the Queen and the obnoxious Frogs. Also some long-suffering servants and snoopy Townfolk. Everyone has good lines, but only the Princesses really have moderately difficult parts, and two of the frogs have hardly any lines. Parts run from easy to medium-difficult to suit a mixed-ability cast.
COST: $10 for one year of performances.
EXCERPT:
FROG: Hmmmm.. Three sunken toys.
Guess I'll be needing some help from the boys. (Dives into pond with a splash)
POUTELLA: Where'd he go?
CONCEITA & SARCASTICA: I don't know.
(THREE FROGS pop up.)
FROG: I brought 2 of my pals. Here's Flybreath.
FLYBREATH: Croak!
FROG: and Mudbrain.
MUDBREATH: Croak!
PRINCESSES: Yuck!
FROG: Sames to you, I'm sure! So, my ladies, me and the boys could lend you a hand...
POUTELLA: Fetch my doll ! That's a command.
FROG: Keep your crown on Princess. How about a deal instead?
CONCEITA : Fetch my ball or I'll chop off your head!
The Wizard of Oz <-- Click for Excerpts!
by Frank L. Baum
theater script adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
A blend of the MGM musical and the original book by Frank Baum, with additional scenes by Jeannette Jaquish giving more action and lines to the Munchkins and flying monkeys (plus a hilarious witch and monkeys' song), more lines and scenes for the Emerald Citizens and Winkie Guards.
The Wizard appears in the Kansas scenes as a vacuum cleaner salesman dumping dirt on Auntie Em's rug, and getting whacked with Miss Gully's broom, then later gives Dorothy some helpful advice on dealing with Miss Gully and a white lie about who the dog pound guys are dragging into the truck.
This is not a simple play but very entertaining, with lots of charming conversations by all actors, improving on both the book and the movie.
Author's Note: This play is a $$Money-Maker. Of all my scripts, this one brings in the largest audience. But it is a lot of work.
----COST: $20 for one performance, $5 each additional up to $60 for unlimited performances.
How to make your Music CD
LENGTH: 2 hours 10 minutes.
TECH:: Rigorous set changes using portable scenery, such as hinged flats or painted refrigerator boxes. Plus Wizard's Throne Room Display (the giant head ) requires a rear-projected video projector and either a live video camera pointing at the Wizard behind his curtain onstage, or the Wizard's part previously videotaped and playing with the live scene. Or you could create a giant Wizard head some other way.
Cast: At least 20, including 7 Monkey/Munchkins, and 4 Emerald Citizens/Winkie Guards.
COST: $20 for one performance, $5 each additional up to $60 for unlimited performances.
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EXCERPT
MONKEY # 4(entering) - Wicked Witch! Wicked Witch! I have news!
WITCH - What is it ?
MONKEY # 4 (sassy) - Three guesses!
WITCH - Three guesses how I’ll cook your carcass if you don’t tell me!
MONKEY #4 - Dorothy and her friends are climbing the mountain!
WITCH - What!? They are coming here!
MONKEY #4 - Yes! Yes! Yes! Do I get a cookie?
WITCH - (with insane calm exhilaration) Yes. You do get a cookie. (Gives cookie)
MONKEY # 4 - Eee eee eee ee ! (gobbles it)
OTHER MONKEYS (leaping about) - I wanna cookie!
WITCH - SHUT UP!!!!
(instant insane calm)
If you want a cookie, instead of BEING TURNED INTO MONKEY-SHAPED cookies, you will listen to these instructions:
(Monkeys gather attentively)
Spread your moth-eaten wings and fly (blasts them with her bad breath) into the Haunted Forest and snatch up that girl and her dog.
Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed!
Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!
(MONKEYS Exit excitedly as Witch cackles. She stops, sensing something, turns around to find MONKEY #2 looking hopeful.)
WITCH - What??
MONKEY #2 - If you turn the other monkeys into cookies, can I have one?
WITCH - Get out of here!!!!
MONKEY # 2 - Eeee eee eee eee! (EXITS)
WITCH - Climb, climb closer my little pretty. Closer. (EXITS)
High School Soap
"High School SOAP is a wholesome portrait of high school kids who are in and out of love, in and out of situations which reflect the fun drama that goes on continuously in the halls."
CAST
10 females: age teen to adult, 3 males: 1 teen, 2 adult, Extras: male or female teens.
ROYALTIES
$25 per performance
Complex & Simple Christmas Theater Scripts <--Click to read Excerpts!
~also Easter, Passover and Thanksgiving Plays~
Elfin Antics in Santa's Workshop
children's Christmas musical by Rosemary Snow
There is pandemonium when the reindeer make toys and the elves take flying lessons!
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens <--Click!
large cast theater script adapted for stage by J. Jaquish
- The classic Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Marley & Tiny Tim mega-production. Lots of newly created lines and short scenes for supporting roles such as street urchins, storekeeper, Nephew Fred's friends, beggars, bankers, serving wench & mop boy, schoolkids! Everyone has great lines!
This is the best script you are going to find, besides having the best price.
Excerpts:
URCHIN: I don't like singin' for the undertaker. He just stands there. Staring.
LITTLEST: And rubbin' his hands.
SNIFFLY: That's because he gets 2 quid for every pauper he buries.
LEADER: Yeah, we's just a pot o' gold he's waiting to lay hands on.
BANDAGE: So who ARE we gonna sing for?
LITTLEST: How about Mr. Scrooge?
----COST: $20 for one performance, $5 each additional up to $60 for unlimited performances.
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Snafu in Santa's Workshop <--Click!
an easy fun children's Christmas play by Jeannette Jaquish
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In a terrible mishap all the toys the elves have worked on for a year are destroyed. Can Quigley's new invention save the day, even after it is short circuited by hot cocoa?
In rhyme for easier memorization by small children, plus a Narrator who can prompt when lines are forgotten. Lots of action and humor.
CAST: 8 or more: Santa, 4 Elves, 2 or more reindeer, Narrator (capable chid or adult), Optional 2 Kids opening presents
TECH: Cardboard box "duplicator machine", toys, table, Christmas tree, fake presents.
SETS: Santa's workshop & a Christmas tree at a home.
Cost: $10 for unlimited performances.
~*~
Hansel & Gretel and the Falling Christmas Elves <--Click!
Children's Holiday Play by Jeannette Jaquish
- The dopey duo of Hansel and Gretel bungle their way into the hungry Witch's clutches and boiling pot again. When Santa's elves fall off the reindeer and into the Witch's kitchen, is rescue in sight? NOT LIKELY!
Cost: $10 for unlimited performances.
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+ FREE THEATER SCRIPTS: Dramas, Spoofs & Comedies, Religious & Non-Religious Plays -Traditional and Modern, and more!
Don't Look in the Lake <-- Click for Excerpts
by Jeannette Jaquish
COST: $10 for unlimited performances.
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A spooky, dangerous, little gem of life at camp. Incredibly fun and not too hard to perform. Audiences roar with laughter.
Lousy food, creepy counselors, dead possum art projects, electric fences and hoeing the tobacco fields; and just when the week is almost over, the campfire stories start coming true.
LENGTH: About 18 minutes.
CAST: 2 boys, 2 or 3 girls (can be all girls or all boys), 1 creepy janitor, 2 counselors.
PROPS: 2 clipboards, bin of recyclables, fake campfire, 2 balloons, broom or mop. Table & 4 chairs.
TECH: Quick but simple set changes. Need lighting for night scene.
THEMES: abusive counselors, dangerous situations, running away, the living dead, relentless humor, sarcastic kids vs the cheerful kids.
EXCERPT
RICKY - I tried using the pay phone to call home. It wants 40 Canadian quarters!
PENNY - I saw a trash can full of campers' letters to home. I read some of them. Do you know that last week they had to dissect a possum for arts and crafts?
ANDREW - That sounds very educational!
RICKY - We've got to escape. (to Penny) Do you want to go with me?
PENNY - We could sneak out after lights out!
ANDREW - Are you out of your mind? Didn't you hear the story about Drowned Debbie? She'll crawl out of the lake and drag you back in!
You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore <--Click here for Excerpts!
by Jeannette Jaquish
DESCRIPTION: Neither the therapist or the at-her-wits-end-wife realize that the husband's recent crude, grabby and drooling behavior is because he has been bitten on a camping trip and turned into a zombie.
I have seen audience members laugh until they cried as the husband flops and lurches around the stage trying to get his teeth on his wife's head, as the wife shoves him away using her chair and feet , and the therapist explaining everything as a psychological manifestation. Way funny unexpected ending using audience shills.
Slightly PG, but could be edited to remove the line.
CAST: 2 couples and the therapist: male or female.
TECH NEEDS: 3 sturdy chairs, therapist can have a cheat sheet on a clipboard
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EXCERPT:
WIFE: Can we talk about my husband's increasingly agressive behavior? Like last week, when we were in K-mart, he tried to get my whole scalp in his head! I had to hit him with a can of paint to make him stop. And then I had slobber all over my hair. I had to go to the paper products aisle and open up a roll of paper towels to wipe my head off. People were looking!
THERAPIST: Ralph, your public display of affection is embarrassing your wife. Can you hear the humiliation in her voice?
RALPH: I sorry...
WIFE (sarcastically): Oh. More words. Big improvement.
THERAPIST: Yes, it is a big improvement. Thank you, Stephanie. Even a counselor appreciates a compliment now and then.
------
LENGTH: about 10 minutes
COST: $10 for unlimited performances.
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The Strange Saga of Lucky the Leprechaun <--Click here for 1st scene and excerpts!
by Jeannette Jaquish
A Great St. Patrick's Day Theater Script!
This unique script is full of absurd wit and great characters.
TECH: Simple-medium: fast shoving around of furniture and some carry-on props. No special lighting needed.
CAST 3 to 7 kids and 6 or more bigger kids or adults.
LENGTH: about 35 minutes.
TECH: Easy-medium. Chairs and card tables on and off. Carry on props: camcorder, bucket, Lucky. Basic lighting throughout. 1 big, 3 small leprechaun costumes.
COST: $10 for one performance or $30 for unlimited performances.
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SYNOPSIS:
Lucky the Leprechaun's growth spurt ends his career as Lucky Charms' mascot. The Trix Rabbit cannot deny his secret longing or curb his compulsion. In the secret Leprechaun Slave Marshmallow Mines the seeds of conspiracy are revealed.
Hilarious scenes in the Trix Cereal TV studio, Congressional Hearings, Breakfast Attack Crime Scene and Dr. Laura Call-In Radio Show.
EXCERPTS
LUCKY: Ralph! Ralph, me boy! Show some charity to the wee ones. Hello me little lads and lassie. You’re a fine lookin’ bunch. And sure you’ll be wantin’ an autograph to show your friends back home?
KID 2 - Look, Look who it is!
KID 3 - It’s Lucky. It’s Lucky! He’s old! He’s old, and big! (EXIT screaming)
Later... DIRECTOR - I’m sorry you found out like this Lucky. The Big Guy, he thinks you’re getting a bit old for this role, I mean how old are you? 300?
LUCKY - I’m just 298!
DIRECTOR - And it appears you’ve had a growth spurt lately. We just can’t get actors any bigger to play the children without borrowing from the NBA or Ripley’s Believe it or Not.
Lost Hearts, by M. R. James <--Click here for Excerpts!
adapted by Jeannette Jaquish
DESCRIPTION: A ghost story by M.R. James, a respected author of the 1800's, whose well written suspense stories were very popular.
In "Lost Hearts", an orphan, Stephen, is unexpectedly sent for by his elderly, rich, eccentric cousin who is unusually interested in his age, and is an expert on ancient religions' teachings on immortality. Stephen hears of two other orphans taken in who disappeared one night leaving behind shoes or favorite toys. He is visited by two young murdered ghosts. As Mr. Abney arranges for Stephen to meet him secretly after hours on the vernal equinox, an evil plot is revealed. Clues to decipher. Happy ending.
CAST: Stephen, Mrs. Bunch, Mr. Parkes, Mr. Abney & child ghosts: Jevanny & Phoebe.
TECH NEEDS: furniture re-arranging set changes, need a fake fireplace, chairs, table, desk, bed with bedding, and the ability to run fishing line through a pulley in the ceiling for ghostly special effects.
EXCERPT:
STEPHEN (stands) It was the girl I saw in my dream. She was still standing like this (arms crossed over heart) and a boy, very skinny; his hands were up like this. And ... he had a hole here, over his heart. He scared me.
MR ABNEY Ah, sad lost souls. They’ll wander on and find a resting place somewhere else, I expect.
STEPHEN How do you suppose they died? How did the boy get the hole in his heart?
MR ABNEY No idea.
STEPHEN Aren’t you going to tell me to not tell Mrs. Bunch?
MR ABNEY (soft chuckle) I’ll leave that up to you, my boy. Stephen, I want to tell you that I have thoroughly enjoyed your stay here. You have been a bright, cheerful, engaging companion --
STEPHEN Are you sending me away???
MR ABNEY No, no, of course not.
STEPHEN You said “I have been”.
MR ABNEY And so you have been and so you will be. I propose a toast!
(THEY BOTH stand. MR ABNEY hands STEPHEN a champagne glass of liquid and takes the other for himself)
Don’t worry, it’s not alcoholic. To you Stephen! And our future together!
STEPHEN To you Mr. Abney! May you live forever!
(MR ABNEY bursts out laughing.
They click glasses and drink.
Mr. Abney now observes Stephen closely.)
STEPHEN What’s so funny, Mr. Abney? ( pause) Sir?
(Mr. Abney does not answer but continues to look. Stephen is puzzled by his lack of answer and then the sedative takes effect. His face slackens and his knees buckle. Mr. Abney reaches forward and smoothly plucks the glass from Stephen’s hand before it spills. STEPHEN crumples to the floor. )
LENGTH: 50 minutes
COST: $10 for unlimited performances.
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~ Great Vacation & Summer Theater Camp Scripts ~
easy lines, easy tech, a variety of easy to medium tricky parts, 15 to 25 minutes.
--Frog Prince and the Princess Brats, JR, for 14 or 15 actors, age 7 and up.
--Don't Look in the Lake, 7 or 8 actors, age 8 and up. - see below.
--Fairy Tales on the Mars Frontier, 11 to 35 actors, age 7 and up. - see below.
--Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods, 15 to 20 actors, age 6 and up - see below.
--That's How I Remember It, 12 or more boys and girls, age 6 and up, 2 adults, see below, next to Hansel & Gretel script
--The Spoiled Baloney Man, 7 or 8 actors, age 9 and up, see below.
--Restaurante del Diablo (mixing English & Spanish) 4 or more actors
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SECTION B:
FREE SCRIPTS
if you notify the author
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If you find a free script you can use, please just
Donate $1
to Jeannette Jaquish / FunAntics at this link:
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Use FunAntics Free Scripts to earn money and get attention!
Then you can afford to buy the Low Priced Scripts for even bigger audiences!
Author: Jeannette Jaquish: I grant permission to perform my Free plays if I am notified and my name as author and this website (www.theaterfunscripts.com) are listed in the printed program are announced and displayed at the show.
You may charge admission. (Please do, in fact, then you can buy my not-free scripts.)
If you perform any of my plays with this requirement without notifying me, you owe me triple royalties (3 x$10 = $30 per performance) plus collection co$t$ such as travel and attorney fees, etc.!
So just notify and enjoy! Easy Rules for Using Free and Not-Free Scripts.
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Fairy Tales on the Mars Frontier <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Fairy tales evolve as pioneer parents on Mars teach values and survival to their kids.)
Uses real scientific data about how humans will terra-form and colonize Mars!
Actors: 11 to 35 Actors can play multiple parts.
Length: 35 minutes. 3 small scenes within one long scene. Medium tech complexity.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
QUOTES:
"Is your dome strong? Mine blew in!"
"My dome sits low below the crater. Aluminum cover like a baked potater." -- Pigs 1 & 2
"Can you stop this purple plague?"
"Stand back and be amazed!"
"I don't know about this piper."
"She is weird."
"And very hyper." -- Townspeople and The Pied Piper
"This is the dome, resistant to shock,
Built by the man who crushed the rock,
That lay on the surface of Red Mars." -- Rock Song
The Spoiled Baloney Man <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(That cycle of life and death really stinks.)
Actors: 3 puppets, 5 actors or more
Length: 15 minutes. 1 scene. Simple-medium tech complexity
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. See easy details. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
Quotes: "Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD! Raised by bacteria in a cold microwave oven. Would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?" -- Frog
Kiss the Brown Bunny (puppets & actors)<--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Cockroach bets Spike the dog that three people will kiss her in three minutes.)
<-- shown here: Folkmanis cockroach puppet.
Actors: 2 puppets, 3 actors
You may RENT THE PUPPETS from the author.r
Length: 3-4 minutes. 1 scenes. Very simple tech complexity. Acquiring cockroach puppet is tricky. Rent them from the author. Details on script page.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
Quotes:
"Cockroach: Even cockroaches have feelings and mine are hurting... Snuggle???
Spike the Dog: Get away from me you filthy insect! Go snuggle in a garbage disposal!"
The Monkey's Paw, by W. W. Jacobs <-- Click for Excerpts!
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
The classic story of wishes gone bad..
Cast: Old man, old woman, grown son or daughter, Sergeant-Major Morris, Visitor from Maw & Meggins.
Length: 18 minutes.
Tech: 4 scenes. Simple set and costumes. Some quick but simple set changes.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.
SPANISH & ENGLISH BI-LINGUAL TRANSLATIONS
"Restaurante Del Diablo" <--Click here!
scripted by Jeannette Jaquish
Cost: FREE
Scripts alternate Spanish with English so a person speaking either language can understand, and also learn the other language.
Quotes:
FATHER: Waiter! You have your thumb in my soup!!!
WAITER: (wiping thumb on napkin) Me fama? Gracias, Senor, pero las sopa no es caliente. (Exits)
FATHER: “Thank you but it’s not hot!” I don’t believe it! His dirty thumb was in my soup!
SON: Esta limpia, ahora.
FATHER: Ewwww! You eat. I’m not hungry now.
SON: (spits out first taste) Bleccchh!!
FATHER: Que pasa?
SON: There is a fly in this soup!
FATHER: Una mosca en tu sopa!!! Terrible!!
WAITER (Returns, placing bill on the table): La cuenta.
SON: MESERO! ESTA UNA MOSCA EN MI SOPA!
WAITER: Fly in your soup??? Is that a problem? Are you a vegetarian?!
FRENCH & NORWEGIAN translations, plus ENGLISH
Hansel & Gretel and the Creepy Woods
and Other Fairy Tale Theater Scripts and Plays
for Young Actors. <--Click here!
Scripts for ages 5 and older:
-- HANSEL & GRETEL and the CREEPY WOODS, 14 actors, and 1 older Reader
-- LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE, by James Whitcomb Riley, 7 children, 3 or 5 older actors. --This is the folk poem about boogeymen, NOT Annie: "Tomorrow! Tomorrow!"
-- THE WAY I REMEMBER IT, 12 or more, boys and girls.
Hansel and Gretel in the Big Woods -- In Norwegian! Click here!
Hansel and Gretel in the Big Woods -- In French! Click here!
Cost: FREE
The author performed Hansel & Gretel with kindergarteners and a teacher as the Reader.
For young actors or Non-readers, or Little Time to Rehearse,
or Big Actors who Just Want an Easy Script (perform kneeling with shoes on knees).
Funny Scripts with Good Lines and Quirky Humor
Short Skits & Easy Plays for Kids<--Click here!
scripted by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to many more.
Cost: FREE.
Skits for 2 or more actors. 30 seconds to 10 minutes. From Easy to Medium difficulty
Nutty Nursery Rhymes
Flight of the Vultures
Hansel & Gretel -- Kindergarten Level - Very Fun!
Dino Puppet Jokes
Cereal Killer
Before Eve met Adam
Restaurant skit
Muppet Veterinarian's Hospital
Knock-Knock Jokes - Scout Skits - Joke Skits
Halloween, Horror and Mystery Theater Scripts<--Click here!
The Beast of Ghastly Manor
The Shadow radio plays
Sorry, Wrong Number
Twilight Zone Scripts
Phantom of the Opera
and lots more!
(On the page you are on right now, "Don't Look in the Lake" & "Lost Hearts" & "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" are Halloween plays.)
Funny Songs to Perform <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to songs by other authors.
Some Titles: Your Mama Don't Wear No Socks
The Hilarious Intermission Song:
"Sodas full of caffeine; Your heart pounds like a freight train,
Let's go to the lobby and have little snack..."
Gilbert and Sullivan Spoof Songs
Songs from Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Christmas Song Parodies
HUNDREDS of Scripts, Radio Plays, TV scripts, Puppet Plays and Songs by OTHER AUTHORS <--Click here!
Many links to scripts by other authors DO NOT have a link back to this page!
So ADD FUNANTICS to your FAVORITES!
Monty Python
Saturday Night Live sketches
Abbott & Costello
Old Time Radio Scripts: Flash Gordon, Sherlock Holmes, Fibber McGee and Molly
Twilight Zone
War of the Worlds
Muppets' Veterinarian Skits, and other Puppet Plays
Classic TV and Film scripts: Sorry, Wrong Number, Duck Soup, A Christmas Carol (Scrooge)
Monologues
Parody Songs
Readers Theater scripts of Folk Tales and Historical Fiction - Read or Act!
Huge Cast School Musicals, Simple or Complex
and GOBS more good scripts!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry Potter
A Muggle's Snide Observation
by Jeannette Jaquish
Harry Potter is magical soap opera,
Hormonal teens spouting abracadabra;
But magic makes it too easy,
And Rowling would certainly get queasy,
Composing a duel 'twixt a shotgun and avada kedavra;
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
These are misspellings of my name: Jeanette, Janette, Jenette, Jeannete, Jannete, Jennete, Janet, Jennette, Jannette Allen Jaquish Janquish.
You can
PHONE ME at the number on this page.
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